Yeah your lawyer, your mom, your pastor, your milkman, me — all of us just strongly advise you to not do this:
A man determined to kill a spider with a lighter ignited a 60-acre wildfire in drought-stricken Utah, authorities said.
The suspect, who wasn't immediately identified, was arrested Monday afternoon as 60 acres burned between Springville and Provo. He told responding deputies he had tried "using a lighter to burn a spider" before the fast-moving blaze broke out, according to the Utah County Sheriff's Office.
Look, we've all been there. You're face to face with a foul, disgusting, eight-legged freak, and you just want to let it rip:
But don't do this! There are so many better ways to kill a spider that don't endanger lives, property and precious woodlands.
Consider a few of them:
Shoot it with a silver slug!
When you shoot a spider with a silver slug, it actually generates sparks.
Run it over with a subway car!
If this doesn't kill the spider, it will at least make him weak enough to step on.
Join the mafia and shoot it!
No, we're not going to show the whole scene. It's too violent. But you get the joke, right? If you don't get the joke you need to watch Goodfellas. What's the world comin' to???
Smash it with an improbably large rock!
Pro tip: If you do this, in the name of decency, don't wait for the spider to start eating the humanoid fly's face. That's just cruel.
Either save the fly or kill him before he starts getting devoured alive.
Start a nuclear offensive against the spiders!
Yes yes I can hear the objections: "Um, that doesn't sound safer."
But hear me out:
The nukes would knock over all the forests in the world. No forests, no wildfires.
EXTRA – Editor's Suggestion: Find an elven blade crafted in the magical city of Gondolin during the First Age.
It's doubtful that even nukes can kill the offspring of Ungoliant, who came from the Darkness that lay about Arda. To see if your sword is an authentic blade forged by the elves instead of a Chinese sweatshop, hunt down some orcs and see if the blade glows blue as you grow near!
(Also, getting a phial filled with the light of Eärendil's star will help!)
If you've got any better suggestions, share them below!
P.S. Now check out our latest video: "Highlights from Biden's speech last night" 👇