"Only weirdo, crusty, Ned Flanders fundamentalists who smell like casserole and mildew would say something like 'abortion is a satanic religious ritual!'" you say.

Nope.

The Satanic Temple just issued a statement arguing that their members are exempt from any laws limiting abortions because it's a "religious ritual" for them.

Straight from the Neckbeard Brigade's website:

Yes, they even have an instructional section describing how to complete the idol-worship that is abortion:

Abortion is satanic self-worship. There you have it.