FEMA has been in the news this past week for declaring illegal immigration an epic disaster that has taken $640 million in relief funds. As that is just a smidge of the $25.5 billion FEMA budget, it is deemed money well spent on food, housing and healthcare for people caught up in the disaster by coming into our country illegally. In addition, FEMA expects to pay out $100 million to Americans whose houses and businesses were destroyed by Hurricane Helene. FEMA has a reported $5 in reserve for victims of Hurricane Milton and will be sending an additional $5,000 to each illegal immigrant who has registered to vote. In other news, Hezbollah has received $157 million for new pagers. But that's not all that happened last week!

Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.

Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

• Watching VP Debate, Joe Biden Wonders Why 'The Don Rickles Show' Isn't Very Funny Tonight @annafillaxis

• Debate Moderators Blame Their Constant Interrupting On The Fact That They Are Women @dontslowtheearth

• Cat And Cat Lady Not On Speaking Terms Due To Political Differences @alola_rychu

• Kamala Tosses Bags Of Doritos To Hurricane Survivors @twoplus2ischicken

• Walz Admits To Being A Pathological Miss-spoker @ruthiej714

• JD Vance, Tear Down This Walz @m4d

• Home Owner Issues Land Acknowledgment Statement To Local Squirrel @gfanson

• Rashida Tlaib Already Putting Up October 7th Decorations @showquest

• Wife Too Stressed Out From Being Raised In A Middle-Class Family To Cook Dinner Tonight @kirgol

• CBS Debate Rules Allow Walz To Deliver Closing Statement In Mandarin @realmccoy

• "More Math? Ugh! I Didn't Sign Up For All This Math" Thinks Kamala Staring At Homework On Air Force Two @tamerity

• Kamala Applauded For Hiring The Only Democrat Dumber Than Her @drconservativeprof

• JD Vance Flooded With Date Requests From White Dudes For Harris @disidente_redactico

• Boeing Strike Ends After Union Randomly Falls Apart @unclecrumpty

• "My Blood Pressure Isn't High Enough, I Should Watch The Debate" @nicalys

• President Xi Warns Walz To Stop Talking About Being In China Why You So Bad Spy @thebigfreeze

• Wife Swoons As Husband Easily Selects Correct USB Cable @webidtheefarewell

Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favs:

• Polls Show 100% Of Lizard People Support Abolishing Supreme Court @priehle

• FEMA Urges People Needing Rescue To Put Their Harris ‘24 Signs On The Roof @disidente_redactico

• Unable To Recruit New Leaders, Hezbollah Forced To Reassemble The Old Ones From Parts @confusedant

• Grown Man Tells Wife, "Of Course I Don't Sometimes Pretend Our Van Is An F-22 Raptor And I'm Checking The Rearview For A Visual On A Sidewinder Missile To Time Chaff With The Blinker While My Hand Is On The Shift To Fire Back After Radar Lock And…" @nicolascday

• AOC Completes Puzzle Marked ‘3-5 Years' In Just 2 Weeks @edterri7788

• Rachel Maddow Warns Lesbian Viewers That Looking At JD Vance Could Turn Them Straight @swanhilde

• Kamala Asks North Carolinians For $750 Donations @nicalys

• Iran Calls Up Reserve Photoshoppers To Prepare For Massive Missile Strike Against Israel @mackenziemike

• Chicago White Sox Add Trans Player To Roster Hoping Other Teams Will Forfeit @dontslowtheearth

• Mom Scientists Prove Toddlers' Innate Ability To Find Permanent Markers Is Stronger Than Homing Instinct Of Pacific Salmon @nicolascday

• Second Gentleman Schedules "Wifebeaters And Cheaters For Kamala" Zoom Call @kanesickle

• Sad: Man Wants To Read Bible To His Children, But Can't Find His Phone @tylermontgomery

@BONUS - One randomly selected headline:

• Vance Opens Pickle Jar For Walz @flmax

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

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