A despondent Nancy Pelosi submitted articles of self-impeachment today after President Trump was sworn in as the 47th President of the United States. Insiders report she had thought about immediately impeaching Trump for something-or-other for old times sake, but unfortunately had lost the will to continue losing, leading her to impeach herself instead. Democrats in the House seemed fine with it, as many are considering retirement...or whatever. A deep malaise has settled over the Democrat side of both chambers leading House Speaker Mike Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John Thune to consult with Canada regarding compassionate care of the dying party. MAID service has been scheduled for tomorrow. But that's not all that's been happening!

Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.

Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

• Smart Wife Changes Name Of Honey-Do List To Magical Quests @twoplus2ischicken

• After Tiktok Banned, Millions Of Teens Just Spend The Day Staring At Blank Screens @dontslowtheearth

• Insensitive Firefighter Rescues Woman Who Looks Nothing Like Him @showquest

• Man Who Destroyed Country, Mayorkas, Just Following Orders @priehle

• Trump Forever Stamp Price Set At 47 Cents @annafillaxis

• Roman Empire, 1 AD: 'Oops, Still Writing ‘B.C.' On My Checks' @thecatman

• Jimmy Kimmel Replenishes LA Reservoir With His Tears @thebigfreeze

• Biden Yells 'Get Off My Lawn!' For The Final Time @kirgol

• Disney Emails White House Requesting Their Animatronic Biden Back On Jan 21 @ruthiej714

• Local Genius Searches Desk For Phone He's Already Holding @littlejedi

• Trump Declares End To Global Warming Unleashing New Ice Age On Inauguration Day @realmccoy

• California Governor Explains That It Is Impossible To Get A Regional Fire Under Control But With Sacrifice And Spending We Can Fix The Climate Of The Entire Planet @njhokie84

• Democrats Disown Dead Relatives Who Didn't Vote For Biden @fishythepenguin

• Millions Of TikTok Users Worry They'll Have To Start Getting Their Mental Illnesses From The Education System @baberahamlincoln

Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:

• Husband Finally Able To Find Milk In Fridge After Wife Makes Him Handy Treasure Map @batknight

• Man Asks Why They Didn't Fly A B 29 Superfortress Into Mordor @sharkey

• Kamala Harris Says She Will Really Miss The Weekly White House Cabernet Meetings @njhokie84

• Newsom Touts California As The Only State Where You Can See The Mountains, The Beach, And A Raging Inferno All In The Same Day @tylermontgomery

• 87% Of Americans Now Agree That Women Should Not Serve In The Senate @lionsarenotsafe

• RFK Jr. To Make Sure Abortion Pills Don't Contain Harmful, Artificial Dyes @lpathehuman

• Trump Threatens To Send Cast Of The View Into Gaza If Hamas Doesn't Free All The Hostages @baberahamlincoln

• Hegseth Backtracks On Women In Combat After Pam Bondi Slays Adam Schiff In Hearing @polichiks

• Jesus Instructs Apostles To Shake Dust From Their Feet After Eating At Applebees @davel

• Liberals Estimated To Now Be 50% Contained @bobola

• Global Warming Protestors Preparing To Wear 7 Layers At Trump's Inauguration @smitty2028

BONUS - One randomly selected headline:

• CNN Blasts Lack Of Diversity In Trump's 1,000+ Hires As They Are All Highly Competent @bigd

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

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