Oh man, how would you like to be this guy?

So let's just put this in context real quick, shall we?

This is the Thursday night before the Fourth of July, so I can only expect in a city like New York the night life would be extra poppin'. My assumption is that this dude was out late partying and just couldn't make that one last leg of the race which would've seen him hobble up the stairs and just sort of dive like an Olympic swimmer right into his twin bed.

So he just passed out on the front stoop.

But that's just my take. Nobody really knows what led to his passing out on the front stoop.

Anyhow, this dude passes out at 4:30 in the morning, and shortly after he enters REM sleep some bro just walks by and casually grabs his messenger bag which contains a laptop.

This is robbery number one. And I'd say it's very unfortunate. If I lost the laptop I'm currently using to bring you this beautiful story I'd be devastated. My whole life is on this thing.

Well, this is New York, The City That Never Sleeps—as long as passing out on your front stoop isn't considered sleeping—so you know there were more people out there at this strange hour.

So 5 a.m. comes along and we have ourselves robbery number two—same victim:

Just after 5 a.m. a Hispanic man approached the victim and took his phone and wallet from his pants pocket. Among the items inside the victim's wallet were a debit card and a credit card. That man used the victim's debit card to make unauthorized purchases at a store a short time later.

Now, I said before that my whole life is on this laptop I'm currently using. I guess I forgot about my cell phone, because there's like way more information on that thing.

NOT TO MENTION MY WALLET!!

So this has turned out to be one of the worst nights ever for this guy.

Side note: it'd be nice if thieves would just leave your ID behind during these encounters. I guess maybe if they look like you they should take it. But if there's little resemblance I just don't see a point in stealing my ID. Just sayin'.

So, moral of the story here: if you're going to pass out on the streets of New York, make sure you're not in possession of anything valuable.

Or, if you're a normal person, just don't pass out on the streets of New York at all.