Columbia University in New York has a novel idea for promoting the freedom, critical thinking, and wisdom that universities should be imparting to the next generation:
Segregate students at graduation!
Yep, the next big thing at the academy is separating students based on their race, income, sexuality, and ethnicity. Just think of how proud the KKK grandmasters of old would be at this newfound diVeRsiTy!
Here's what ceremonies will be held:
- One for "Latinx" students, which will be attended by only the wokest-of-woke, since Hispanic Americans refuse to use that ridiculous label to describe themselves.
- A black graduation. It's so great that civil rights icons like Linda Brown – the girl at the center of the landmark Brown v. Board of Education – fought so hard for school integration so that the entire black community could have its own segregated graduation!
- One for Native Americans. Since the school didn't use the more inclusive term "indigenous peoples," I expect them to be summarily cancelled.
- An Asian graduation. Since Asians are rejecting Critical Race Theory and are disproving the narrative that succeeding isn't possible in America, they should count their lucky stars that they even got their own celebration!
- A ceremony for low income peeps. There's nothing like celebrating people's upward social mobility by reminding them they're in the poorhouse!
- A "Lavender" graduation for the LGBTQQIAAP community. I don't know why we need to celebrate students' sexuality as they head out into the world, but personally, I think it's discriminatory to not hold a competing ceremony for superstraight individuals. Do better!
A general ceremony for these students and their lame white peers will also apparently be held.
All of these will be virtual, so I have no idea how they'll police who participates.
I look forward to this list continuing to expand each year as more identity groups fracture and vie for attention. By 2030, I predict at least three dozen segregated graduation ceremonies.