Happy Halloween, or "fall festival" to my Baptist friends!

On this occasion of trick or treating, I have decided to do you all a little favor and provide a guide to chocolate candies during this spooky celebration.

Of course, if we were to all candies it would be impossible to get to, but I have decided to narrow things down to just chocolate candy.

I have things divided into three categories:

1- Steal from the kids

2- Let the kids keep

3- Throw directly in garbage for good of humanity

Let's go backwards, starting at the worst candy so I can trigger everyone before we get to the good stuff.

Throw in trash:

These are the worst of the worst candy. You wouldn't leave it for the kids because you love your kids.

Milk Duds:

Yeah, these things have the word "duds" right in the name, and for good reason. It's a gross, chewy, fake chocolatey mess. They're disgusting and there's a reason everyone is giving them away. They want to get rid of them.

Gross.

Whoppers:

Now, if this was a Burger King Whopper it would be different. But the Whoppers candy is just gross. Malted chocolate? What the heck is malt? I don't want some weird gross powder hiding in my chocolate.

Hershey's Chocolate Bar:

Yep, you read that right. The classic Hershey's bar is no good. It's just chocolate. That's it. The cheapest, blandest, most boring chocolate there is. Chocolate by itself is not worth eating.

Throw it away. Or keep it hidden for a time you want to make a s'more.

Almond Joys, Mounds, or anything with almonds or coconut:

Almonds are a boring and tasteless nut. Coconut is inedible. Putting them together is just blech.

0/10

Alright, let's now move on to the middle tier.

Give to the kids:

This middle group is going to be controversial as well, I can guarantee it. But there's just nothing in here that's worth fighting your kids for. Maybe take one piece, but let the kid enjoy some of his hard-earned labor with these.

Three Musketeers:

There's nothing special about a Three Musketeers. It's a fine candy, it's got nougat, which makes it unique, but it's nothing to write home about.

If you like this one, more power to you, but let the kids enjoy it.

Milky Way:

The chocolate and caramel combination here is worlds better than the milk dud, the third element of the nougat elevates it. It's also slightly better than a Three Musketeers because the caramel elevates it as well.

However, there's another similar candy later on that blows this bar out of the water.

Kit-Kat:

I do love a good Kit-Kat bar. That chocolate and wafer is tough to compete with. But, at the end of the day, there are lots of candy bars and chocolates out there. And the Kit-Kat is just as average as it gets.

Reese's, Butterfinger, Payday, and anything with peanuts:

Okay, in complete transparency here, I am allergic to peanuts. I haven't always been but I am now. And from what I remember about these candies as a kid is that they are pretty blah.

I don't love the chocolate and peanut butter together thing at all.

I'm sorry. These are just the facts.

Confiscate from kids:

These are the best of the best. The crème de la crème. The best chocolate candies around.

These are in no particular order.

Hershey's Cookies and Creme:

Okay, I'm not sure this is exactly a chocolate, but it dang sure is delicious. It's hard to match the goodness of that creamy bar of candy with the chocolate cookie specks.

It's just delectable.

Heath or Skor:

I prefer Heath because it's less chocolatey, but both of these chocolate-coated toffee bars are about as close to perfection as it gets. There's a strong case to be made that Heath is the best candy bar ever. It's simple and elegant.

And, as a bonus, it looks like candy kids wouldn't like because it's in a boring wrapper. So your kids won't even fight you for what's arguably the best candy in the world.

Nestle's Crunch:

I like a good crunch to my candy bar and this has crunch in the name. It's chocolate-coated Rice Krispies. There's nothing wrong with that.

It's got the crunch.

M&Ms:

We have to throw a couple non candy bar chocolates on here, and M&Ms are the most snackable candy of all time. You can just pop 'em in your mouth over and over and over and never get tired of them.

Tootsie Rolls:

Another candy that the kids probably won't fight you for. I know, there's lots of Tootsie Roll haters out there, but I can't help but love the things. They're so unique. There's nothing like 'em and they're just so good to chew on.

9/10

Andes and Junior Mints:

I'll throw both of these fantastic mint chocolates in here.

Can't beat chocolate and mint.

While I said this was in no particular order, I will say this is THE best chocolate candy ever created on God's green earth.

They broke the mold when they made this one.

Twix:

In the immortal words of George Costanza:

Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch!

Twix may be woke, but dang it if they aren't the best candy bar in existence.

The chocolate with the caramel and the cookie. It's unbeatable. They took something average, like a Milky Way, and elevated it beyond your wildest dream by switching the nougat for cookie.

Right or left, there's nothing better than a Twix.

That's it. The definitive ranking of all Halloween candy. You're welcome. You can fight me but I'll be too busy eating Twix to care.