I don't even know how to process this information.

Joel Osteen, megachurch prosperity gospel heretic, is producing a movie for Netflix about Mary.

As in Mary, the mother of Jesus.

This winter, Netflix invites audiences on a compelling journey back to ancient Judea to witness the story of the Nativity from an untold perspective: through the eyes of Mary of Nazareth, mother of Jesus Christ.

The movie will release this December on the streaming platform.

Directed by D.J. Caruso, written by Timothy Michael Hayes and executive produced by Lakewood Church Pastor Joel Osteen, 'Mary' follows Mary, Joseph, and their newborn son, Jesus, as they flee from King Herod's deadly pursuit, according to Netflix. Two-time Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins stars as Herod, while Israeli actress Noa Cohen plays Mary and Ido Tako plays Joseph.

I don't know which is weirder ... Hannibal Lecter playing a villainous Herod or the fact that America's favorite multimillionaire fake pastor is overseeing the story.

Just kidding, Osteen is the weirder part here. I mean, really, there's a reason our comrades at The Bee like to pick on him so much.

The movie won't just be a Nativity story. It's actually going to be a "coming of age" story.

(I'm sure that's not code for intersectional fourth-wave feminism and/or liberation theology.)

Through Mary's eyes, this coming-of-age biblical epic tells the story of one of history's most profound figures and the remarkable journey that led to the birth of Jesus. Chosen to bring the Messiah into the world, Mary (Noa Cohen) is shunned following a miraculous conception and forced into hiding. When King Herod (Anthony Hopkins) orders a murderous hunt for her newborn baby, Mary and Joseph (Ido Tako), go on the run - bound by faith and driven by courage - to save his life at all costs.

To bring the movie world of Mary to life, Aloe and the filmmakers consulted with a wide range of religious scholars and leaders to capture the story's historical elements, and to center Mary of Nazareth's experience, revealing a side of the Queen of All Saints we rarely see on screen.

So ... "Queen-of-Heaven" worship mixed with prosperity-gospel heresies and the potential of soft cultural Marxism? And it's going to be distributed by the wokest streaming platform?

I'm actually kind of fascinated. Those of you who weren't offended by my last paragraph might think I'm being too quick to judge, but the year is 2024 and you should probably assume all movies (especially made by prosperity preachers on Netflix) are corrupted and/or lame.

I hope I'm pleasantly disappointed!

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