Despite my impressive mustache, I have a confession that many of you may find shocking.
I have never grown a beard.
It's not for lack of trying, I promise ... my genetics just don't allow it. I grow this fuzzy looking uneven mess of stubble that looks more like a 2 day old Chia pet than a proper beard. So here I am and I've lived my whole life never truly entering manhood (or so some might say), and I have questions. Please, for any of those willing to help me, help me.
Do you wash a beard with soap or shampoo?
Honestly, what's the correct answer here? I've thought about this all day and I'm no closer to having an answer.
Does it ever stop itching?
After about 2 days, the itching gets intense. Do you ever break through to the other side, or are men with beards just so ferociously masculine that they cast aside the discomfort and do what's best for family, God and country?
When you have a long beard, how do you trim it?
Do you use scissors? Electric shaver? The mini-scissor clipper things that people use to cut nose hair? What's the go-to method for this? Do you have it done at a barber shop, or do you do it yourself?
How do you know when enough's enough?
For me, growing a beard has always seemed like torture. How do you finally get to the point where you're like..."Ok...this is long enough."?? Do you ever have doubts or fears about cutting it? Do you ever feel guilty or have regrets afterward? I mean, it takes a LONG time to grow a beard. I'd imagine you get pretty connected to it.
What the heck is beard oil?
That's the whole question.
How do you decide on a style?
I've seen all types of beards. Punk beards, hipster beards, caveman beards, 1860's civil war beards. You name it, they've got a beard for it. But do you choose the beard, or does the beard choose you? How do you settle on something that has such a drastic effect on your personal appearance and should be a reflection of you personality as much as your manhood?
How do you kiss your wife?
I just don't get this. If I get so much as a 5 o'clock shadow, my wife wants nothing to do with me. How do you get past this intimacy barrier? Even my kids push me away and complain about my "scratchy" face when I try to kiss them on the cheek. I can't imagine what it would be like with a full-blown bushy "yeard".
What's the best type of beard?
For those in the know, what is the ultimate, no-questions-asked, hands-down, most fiercely awesome beard? Is it like those dudes from Braveheart? I want to know. I feel like I've been left out of all these beard discussions my whole life.
Please, people. Help me!
