Hasbro, owner of the popular board game, "Monopoly" has decided to update its "Community Chest" cards to:

"...include feel-good moments that reflect the best things about being part of a community!"

This, in a game founded on violating anti-trust laws.

The game-maker has decided to update its 16 Community Chest cards, which featured outdated prompts such as winning a "beauty contest,..."

Outdated?!

I beg to differ.

As the New York Post reports:

In their place are more contemporary cards that evoke community service and social awareness. Swaps could include a reward for "shopping local all week," rescuing a shelter pet or helping tend the community garden.

Interesting.

I'm starting to question whether the people who run Hasbro have ever actually played the game.

Here's a quick synopsis.

The objective is to rapaciously purchase all the property and businesses you can so you can charge predatory rents and fees in an attempt to bankrupt all your neighbors.

I think that about sums it up.

I just don't think that in the course of actively trying to financially ruin your opponents, it matters much if you rescued a shelter pet along the way. It's like if there were a woman's shelter you could volunteer at in Grand Theft Auto.

Regardless, they are giving you a say in which cards eventually get chosen, the way the Iranian Mullahs give their citizenry a say in which president they will have in that your choice has to be from a pre-approved list.

The voting is a series of A/B choices.

The problem with the cards is that it's not really much of a choice, every single one promotes some form of virtue signalling. Penalties are no longer the result of neutral occurrences you might encounter in life. No, if you have to shell out some cash, it's because you misbehaved.

So, no more "break your leg" pay a "Doctor's Fee."

Instead you get this.

You didn't recycle your trash?!

Sounds like one of those Baltic Avenue types.

And no more tax assessments on your property. Instead, you were a bad person.

Your selfishness is going to cost you in a game in which selfishness is the whole point.

I feel like they're torn between appearing virtuous, and making boat loads of money based on their monopoly on Monopoly.

The means by which you collect money are along a very similar vein.

You no longer just inherit money. No, instead you are a good person.

And you don't win second prize at a beauty contest, no matter what gender you identify as. Instead, it's more volunteer clean up work. (Wokeopoly is starting to sound like a dump.)

And instead of selling stock or having a Christmas fund mature (sounds like something a, um, monopolist would do), you volunteer at a children's hospital.

You don't hate children, do you?

There's something else about these. None of them make sense. The old ones did. Your life insurance matures, or you get a tax refund, those are things that happen for which you receive cash.

You don't get paid to volunteer at a children's hospital, organize a cleanup, or play games with sick children.

Here are some more.

This is all nice, but you don't get money for these things.

It's almost as if this appeals to a magical kind of thinking, that if you just do good things you get money from... It's not clear. Somewhere. Your parents, maybe?

It's how we end up with gender studies majors with $200,000 in student loans.

Even the ones that make some sense, such as one where you receive money for your birthday, come with a woke message.

"Keep a little for yourself."

In the game of Monopoly, where the entire point is to keep EVERYTHING for yourself.

A few more.

I know, this one kind of replaces the "Grand Opera Opening" card in which you can force the other players to pay you for tickets, but every time I look at it, I can't help but think "squeegee guy."

Personally, I think the following would have been more realistic replacements if they really wanted to be more modern and just go full woke:

Alas, those are not choices.

The Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free cards make no sense whatsoever, but I guess you had a nice Zoom meeting?

Again, it's just not realistic. I would have gone with something like this instead.

The cards that get you sent to jail make at least make sense, but naturally come with a moralizing component absent in the original.

And yet, I feel a real opportunity was missed here.

I don't know how they missed that one.

This entire effort to woke up Monopoly creates this disconnect that's difficult to ignore. It would be like Candyland introducing flossing and dentist visits to its draw deck, or you got points in Battleship for negotiating an armistice.

I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that they didn't defund the police, replace all the properties with community gardens and co-ops, and change the name to "Equitableopoly."

Maybe they're just working up to that.