Every morning Gavin Newsom gets out of bed, empties a 64-ounce jar of hair gel, and puts on that winning smile.
The man cares about presentation. He also cares about sCiEnCe.
After months of strangling his state with endless lockdowns, Newsom saw fit in late October to impose severe restrictions on holiday gatherings. After all, he argued, sCiEnCe must be followed.
Residents of the Socialist Republic of California are required, per his orders, to eat their Thanksgiving meals outside ON THEIR OWN PRIVATE PROPERTY, to wear masks at all times except while taking bites of food, to limit their festivities to two hours, and to not host more than three households at a time.
While mere mortals have to follow sCiEnCe, however, the same rules do not apply for a handsome god-men like Gavin Newsom. Au contraire! If he wants to leisurely celebrate an advisor's 50th birthday with a few dozen of his closest friends at a ritzy Napa Valley French restaurant, paltry things like the 'Rona and lockdown rules have no hold on him. Eating and socializing shoulder-to-shoulder with no masks is completely fine!!
GAZE UPON YOUR KING, oh citizens of California!
Look in awe at his chiseled, unmasked face, and count yourselves lucky! You are not worthy to take in his divine splendor! Yes, he may have plunged his state into an ongoing hellscape for the better part of a year with authoritarian edicts, but just the opportunity to gaze upon this glorious leader should cast aside all doubts you have of empty bank accounts and destroyed lives!
Long live the king!
That won't stop him from having hundred-dollar meals with other California elites, however. It also probably won't stop California officials going to lavish Hawaiian resorts while the rest of the citizenry is locked up like criminals on their own property.
Local citizen Suzi wished the Supreme Leader well from the gold-plated, utopian streets of Los Angeles:
Remember, Californians: you may not be able to leave your house, conduct your business, gather to worship God, or travel freely, but this is still America.
Newsom apologized profusely after a firestorm of anger in the wake of the released photos, saying he made a "bad mistake" (that's politician for "I'm not sorry I did it, but I'm sorry I got caught so here are my puppy dog eyes").
"I should have stood up and... drove back to my house," said Newsom, apparently assuming we'd all forget that this wasn't just some random party he happened to walk in on, but a celebration for one of his most trusted political advisors. "The spirit of what I'm preaching all the time was contradicted. I need to preach and practice, not just preach."
Newsom also promised to do better, because that's just what heroes do.
"I'm doing my best every single day in trying to model better behavior," said His Majesty.