Just when I think paper straws couldn't possibly get any dumber, they go and do something like this.

AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!!!

(Because now we can finally get rid of them forever.)

Here's the scoop:

Paper straws contain potentially toxic chemicals which could pose a risk to people, wildlife and the environment, a study has found.

Poly- and perfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS), which are long-lasting and potentially destructive to human health over time, were discovered in the majority of paper and bamboo straws tested.

Yes, you read that correctly, and yes you can go ahead and slap that waitress across the face (figuratively, of course) next time she offers you one of these filthy, no-good, melt-in-your-Mountain-Dew embarrassments of a drink-sucking device.

In order for this figurative slap to land, though, you'll need to read more of that article.

The groundbreaking European study analysed straws made from a range of materials from shops and fast-food restaurants and found 18 out of 20 brands of paper straws contained PFAS, with a lower frequency of detection in plastic and glass versions.

The research did not look at whether PFAS leaked out of the straws into the liquids.

The most commonly found PFAS, perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA), has been prohibited worldwide since 2020…

The chemicals have been associated with a number of health problems, including lower response to vaccines, lower birth weight, thyroid disease, increased cholesterol levels, liver damage, kidney cancer and testicular cancer.

To think, this is what liberals wanted us to put in our mouths in order to save the world from climate change.

How come it seems every solution these people put forward just seems to be another sneaky way to make it so there are fewer human beings on the planet? Might wanna look into that.

For those of you worried you may have been poisoned by a paper straw, it looks like you're gonna be okay. It's just a good thing we stopped this idea in its tracks.

PFAS concentrations were found to be low and since straw use is seldom, the Belgian researchers said they posed a limited risk to human health.

However, they warned the chemicals could accumulate in the body over many years.

At least there's that!

Welp, I guess farewell, paper straws.

Not gonna miss ya one bit.

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