Deadlier than a hangry blood-sniffing shark. Faster than you, that's for sure. They are hungry. Hungry hippos.

These three-ton beasts sure know how to get the job done. Underwater they can run up to five miles per hour, making a sneak attack on us mere unsuspecting humans, a piece of flesh-cake. Never mind their speed on land, twenty freaking miles an hour! These pudgy mammals are as much of a joke as the 500 victims of hippoticide every year*.

Oh, so you think you want a hippopotamus for Christmas? How jolly are 20-inch razor bladed teeth that never cease growing? How long before they come for us and everything we hold dear? Relentless bloodhound herbivores.

We must protect ourselves and our society from the grave threat posed by these grey-trotters. Look at them! Stare into their dead eyes. Is that not the look of a deranged killer? Please, advise the utmost caution when faced with the enemy. Do not allow their cutesy attributes to lead you astray.

Cute and cuddly? I think not. They're vicious murderers and they're out to get us.

*In rural Africa, that is