Here's some online dating advice for Christian guys illustrated by making fun of some dudes who are doing it terribly wrong
ยท Aug 31, 2020 ยท

There was a time in the 90's and 00's when online dating was reserved for only the geekiest of the geeks. We've come a long way since then, and these days, it's pretty much the only way to date.

Unfortunately, in an age of instant gratification and hookup culture, it can be difficult for Christian singles to find someone with their faith-based values and desire for long-term commitment.

But don't worry: If you're struggling to find your #tradwife in a world of e-THOTS, I am here to help. Since the best way to learn is from your mistakes, let's take a look at some hilariously bad examples, so you can know how to stand out amid the competition.

Or so you can laugh. Mostly to laugh.

1. The profile picture

Making a good first impression is crucial to any relationship. You might have a winning personality, but the first thing your future wife notices is your profile picture. Sure, you might not be Brad Pitt, but there are still a few ways to make things a little easier on yourself. For example:

Lovely and respected

One of the most important things to include in a photo of yourself is... oh, I dunno... maybe YOURSELF!?

I get that modesty is important, but if you're truly as lovely as your profile claims, maybe you could show us a little more than your forehead?

I want to be seen for who I am

Scott, if you want to be seen for who you are... you have to let us see who you are!

I like to go places

Joe, you don't look like you're going anywhere in that photo.

I love God, I trust God, and I will serve God

As every youth pastor will tell you, you need to get right vertically before you can get right horizontally. Trust God, but maybe also trust your nearest 10-year-old to show you how to rotate your photos properly.

Come on, people! How hard is it to just take a decent photo of yourse--

I'm a good loyal man I don't like problems I'm kind loving I duties I do teaze people sometimes

Oh no Tommy, what is you doin'?I said decent photo, not indecent! Not only is your face missing, but what kind of bio is that? "I don't like problems"? Oh darn, all those women looking for a man who likes problems will be so disappointed.

Do you mean you like to "tease" people or "taze" people? One of those is really problematic

Not only are you missing clothes, you're missing spelling and punctuation. Which is a convenient segue to...

2. Spelling and grammar

Injoying the time here on earths dirt road until I get to go to heaven gold streets

You know that little box that pops up with spelling suggestions? You might "injoy" using that some time, too!

I love my lord Christ my savor I know I'm a sinnier and I'm sure ill get judge cuz of my tats but he has forgave me

I'm sure you're no "sinnier" than the rest of us, Nik. But your spelling might just put you over the edge a little. "Savor" that for a moment.

I have that God can help very one

I'm glad you have that God can help very one, because you look like you need His help with sentence structure.

I think it's worth mentioning that Cecil did include his face in his profile pic, but sometimes... less is more.

Speaking of "less is more"...

3. TMI

I'm a single white male virgin looking for a serious long-term monogamous relationship that may lead to marriage and having children. I enjoy fishing, gardening, crochet, latch-hook, crossword puzzles, etc.

I mean, I feel like most of that first sentence was a little unnecessary:

Single? Umm, I hope so, since you're using a Christian dating app!

White Male? Kind of feels like that was covered in your profile picture.

Virgin? Proud of you for saving yourself, but... I bet we could have come to that conclusion pretty easily on our own.

I've been saved for 3 years now the Lord has been so good to me I've asked God to help me meet the right girl because I'm lonely

You know what makes a girl feel special? Telling them you're desperate. Works like a charm.

And finally, I leave you with one last little gem:

I'm a good looking guy. I ride motorcycles and build Legos

Pro-tip: If you're a good looking guy, you don't need to announce it. They'll know. Call it female intuition if you want, but girls can pick up on that kind of thing for themselves.

If you're not a good looking guy, telling people that you are doesn't make it true. But it does make you a little less trustworthy.

Also: You had us at "I ride motorcycles." Granted, that's not a personality trait, but it's still pretty cool. There really was no need to mention the thing about Legos. Unless you're building the friggin' Empire State Building out of toy bricks, you can just "LEGO" of that little detail.

In conclusion...

If you're looking for a good Christian wife:

  1. Take a decent selfie
  2. Use spell-check
  3. Leave a little mystery in your bio

If you follow these 3 steps, you'll at least have a leg up on all of these guys.

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