Look, let's just come right out and say it without mincing words: The CDC's latest COVID isolation guidelines look like a bunch of those guys bombed like an entire bottle of Jäger, sat down with some Mad Libs, and totally made up the new rules out of thin air.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention amended its controversial Covid-19 isolation guidance on Tuesday, declining to add a testing requirement as public health officials expected after the agency cut its recommended quarantine time in half.

In its updated guidance, the CDC said people who have recovered from the virus and have isolated for at least five days can take a rapid test if they want, but they don't have to — falling far short of making an outright recommendation to get a negative Covid test before ending isolation.

Ahhhh no, no, no. That really doesn't truly capture the sheer majesty of the CDC's current isolation guidelines. To wit:

• You can leave COVID isolation five full days after the onset of symptoms (actually six days), but only if you have been "fever-free for 24 hours without the use of fever-reducing medication and your other symptoms have improved."
• You still gotta wear a mask for five days after you leave isolation; if you can't wear a mask, you can't leave. But even if you do wear a mask, don't visit "people who are immunocompromised or at high risk for severe disease," as well as "nursing homes and other high-risk settings."
• Even after you leave isolation, don't travel. If you have to travel, then—you guessed it—wear a mask.
• If you want to use a test before you use isolation, do it. But you don't have to. But if you do, it should be an antigen test. If it's positive, you need to keep isolating. If it's negative, then you still have to wear a mask when you go out.
• Pretty much all of these rules also apply to people who test positive for the virus but never have symptoms.

Aren't those the best guidelines (operative word) you've ever read? Don't they make you just want to grab them and shred them in your hands in pure joy and happiness?

As we enter the third year of the pandemic, it's clear the CDC is really mastering this whole public health thing!

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