The Mitten Queen has finally allowed her subjects to show their faces again, but the devout are very upset at the news
· May 14, 2021 ·

The Empress of the Two Peninsulas, the Great Troll Queen of the Frozen Mitten (also known as Gov. Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan) is finally allowing her subjects to see the lower half of each other's faces in public.

For months, many have defied her commands by associating with other liberty-minded individuals, enjoying food, laughter, and conversation as others huddled fearfully in their homes.

Today, however, the Queen announced that laughter and joy may once again echo across the land:

This has totally has nothing to do with the fact that she's being investigated by the state senate for sending COVID patients into nursing homes, just like the subsequent CDC announcement has nothing to do with her master, Supreme Emperor Joe, who is facing multiple crises across his domain.

Many of the Queen's most devout disciples took ill at the news, their faith in her shaken at this news of freedom. After all, a land called "Narnia" once let in a little spring, and look where that got them!

Others wondered about "enforcement," as if a large portion of the population hasn't been ignoring her royal orders this entire time:

My fellow Michiganders, take heart! I know you are all a bit like turtles – semiaquatic creatures that are afraid to come out of your shells – but it is time.

In the distant lands known as Texas and Florida, they have used an intriguing new concept called "science" to show how this pestilence you fear is rapidly disappearing, even with people being allowed to leave their homes and do normal human things!

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