One of the great American puzzles of our time — who put the mystery bag of cocaine in the White House around the same time that President Joe Biden's known drug addict son was in the building — has apparently come to an end with no conclusive leads:

Rep. Tim Burchett, R-Tenn., told Newsmax on Monday the Secret Service "destroyed" the bag containing cocaine at the White House and does not have enough DNA evidence to identify who may have left it there.

"[The Secret Service] don't even have the key from the locker [where the cocaine was found] and they said originally 'we didn't find enough DNA, now, and they went back and said, 'we didn't find any DNA,'" Burchett said... "Apparently, they destroyed the bag and any chance of getting any DNA."

We've obtained exclusive footage of the conclusion of the Secret Service's investigation into the cocaine baggie:

Ah, who are we kidding, anyway? Why even keep the bag in the first place? There was simply no way to determine who its owner was. There were too many possibilities, too many druggies with access to the White House to really make a positive ID.

I mean, heck, the Secret Service — one of the most sophisticated investigatory bureaus in the history of our species — was unable to pull any fingerprints or DNA from the bag, and they couldn't find any meaningful security footage suggesting who might have left the coke in the White House.

Given the sheer opacity of this drug-fueled mystery, it makes little sense to hold onto the bag in the first place. I mean, what if its owner came back for it? That wouldn't be good.

Assuming the owner had access to high-level Secret Service clearance, anyway. But how likely is that??

Anyway, case closed! Everybody move on.