We hire only the best and most competent people to run our government. After all, we pay them hundreds of billions of dollars every year to sustain a sprawling military and sophisticated surveillance programs. If there's a hijacker or a rogue Jason Bourne out there, we know that the right people are there to handle it.
Unless... you know... the U.S. Army is dropping some paratroopers off at a baseball game. In that case, we don't have the technology required to communicate and discern what's a "probable threat" or not!
Here's the emergency alert that went out to everyone on Capitol Hill on Wednesday evening:
Seems pretty serious, right?? I can imagine it now: The brave Capitol Police preparing to make their debut on MSNBC, the CNN crew praying to God in heaven above that the plane is being flown by a guy in a MAGA hat, a stampede of ancient politicians making mad dashes for exits that aren't guarded by rabid foxes, AOC wailing under her desk as she relives the horrible trauma of January 6...
"DO NOT STOP at your primary assembly area," the alert urged, promising that "updates will be provided."
The scene seemed to be set for the NEW "darkest day for democracy," but then it turns out that the plane was just an Army aircraft swooping over the Nationals game:
About a mile away from the Capitol, the Washington Nationals faced off against the Arizona Diamondbacks in Nationals Park. The plane that police had identified as a "probable threat" was carrying the U.S. Army Golden Knights to parachute into the game for a pregame demonstration, ESPN reported.
LOL!
And yes, the panic was real:
It is not immediately clear why the law enforcement officials in Washington were not aware of the demonstration, but the Capitol Police alert sent panicked staffers running from the Capitol buildings around 6:30 p.m., according to the publication.
Eireann Dolan, who is married to Nationals pitcher Sean Doolittle, tweeted that she was walking her dogs past Dirksen Senate Office Building when "people started streaming out all at once."
She described it as "the scariest moment of" her life.
"They told me to turn around and get away as fast as possible," she tweeted. "Some people were calm but many were genuinely panicked. I know I was."
RUN, SWAMP CREATURES! THE ARMIES OF MORDOR APPROACH!!!
Here's the paratroopers at the Nationals game, by the way:
It's unreal. How in the world did communication get so flubbed here? Maybe the guy in charge of monitoring air traffic reports was the same one who unlocked the Capitol doors for the MAGA protesters.
The Capitol Police quickly tweeted out a "my bad":
I can't wait for Nancy Pelosi to put up a multi-trillion-dollar metal dome around the Capitol to protect it from future scares!
P.S. Now check out our latest video 👇
