Whoever is running socials for the National Park Service must be bored this week. 🤣

Among us free Americans who believe modern weapons aren't scary poltergeists but tools for precision butt-kicking, the answer to a bear attack is pretty easy.

When I was hiking in Alaska last year, I had a trusty white-man firestick strapped to my side (which has since been lost in a boating accident). Hot lead at 1,200 feet per second is preferable to using the crunchy bones in my wrist, even if the caliber isn't big enough to easily put down a grizzly.

But for the half of America that doesn't realize we don't still live in the age of arrows and swords (gunpowder is scary!), waiting another 500 years for them to realize guns are here to stay might not be a viable option!

Here's what the NPS says about bears:

Identify yourself by talking calmly so the bear knows you are a human and not a prey animal. Remain still; stand your ground but slowly wave your arms. Help the bear recognize you as a human. It may come closer or stand on its hind legs to get a better look or smell. A standing bear is usually curious, not threatening.

Alternatively:

Stay calm and remember that most bears do not want to attack you; they usually just want to be left alone.

False. Bears want to kill you. Don't believe the government propaganda.

Bears may bluff their way out of an encounter by charging and then turning away at the last second. Bears may also react defensively by woofing, yawning, salivating, growling, snapping their jaws, and laying their ears back. Continue to talk to the bear in low tones; this will help you stay calmer, and it won't be threatening to the bear. A scream or sudden movement may trigger an attack. Never imitate bear sounds or make a high-pitched squeal.

Meanwhile, me:

Pick up small children immediately. Do not make any loud noises or screams — the bear may think it's the sound of a prey animal. Slowly wave your arms above your head and tell the bear to back off. Do NOT run or make any sudden movements. Do not make any loud noises or screams — the bear may think it's the sound of a prey animal.

Me when the bear eyes my kid:

Hike and travel in groups. Groups of people are usually noisier and smellier than a single person. Therefore, bears often become aware of groups of people at greater distances, and because of their cumulative size, groups are also intimidating to bears.

Sure, but say you're hiking up an Alaskan mountain with a bunch of Korean boomers walking behind you (totally theoretical situation here) and a baby black bear literally pops out of the brush 5 feet away.

Groups are fine, but bear spray and firepower are also great (and missing from this list).

Make yourselves look as large as possible (for example, move to higher ground).

Or you could actually make yourself as large as possible. That sounds more fun.

Stay on your guard out there!

(And don't push your friends.)