Have you been caught using a metaphor or simile like Jesus in Matthew 23:37?

Well congrats, you're a drag queen!

Personally, I don't think this goes far enough.

If Jesus compared himself to a hen gathering her chicks to protect them as a prophetic metaphor for the coming destruction of Jerusalem in 70 A.D., and if invoking a female bird means he's now a woman, why are we assuming his gender is merely swapped? Why not switch his species too?

Why not go all the way and say the incarnation of God the Son was fully man, fully God, and fully chicken??

We can rewrite all of literature this way. For example, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote this in one of his Sherlock Holmes books about a woman entering a room in distress: "She entered with ungainly struggle like some huge awkward chicken, torn, squawking, out of its coop."

Instead of reading this poetically, we can read it literally. This woman is a chicken! That was the entire point of the scene!

Mind. Blown.

What about in Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet's nurse is trying to convince her that the wealthy Count Paris is the perfect man to marry?

A man, young lady — lady, such a man

As all the world — why, he's a man of wax.

This isn't saying that a handsome man looks like a wax sculpture.

No, it's saying the perfect man is a wax sculpture!

When we use the words "as," "like," or "such as" to show how one thing is similar to an entirely unrelated thing, we shouldn't concern ourselves about deep meanings shaded in powerful nuance and allusion.

No, we just make up whatever we think the text is saying and impose it for the world to see! Live your truth, Jesus was trans!

Let's do these verses from the Apostle Peter's second letter next:

But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them — bringing swift destruction on themselves. (2:1)

They will be paid back with harm for the harm they have done. Their idea of pleasure is to carouse in broad daylight. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their pleasures while they feast with you. (2:13)

These people are springs without water and mists driven by a storm. Blackest darkness is reserved for them. For they mouth empty, boastful words and, by appealing to the lustful desires of the flesh, they entice people who are just escaping from those who live in error. They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity — for "people are slaves to whatever has mastered them." (2:17-19)