If you don't know who Dylan M. is, consider yourself a blessed person.
He decided one day to live as a "girl" and started making TikTok videos about all the girlie things he does. Two or so years later, and he's been invited to the White House to speak with Joe Biden, featured on Drew Barrymore's talk show, and taken part in a photo shoot with Lady Gaga.
He greatest accomplishment, however, was taking down Bud Light.
Yesterday, Dylan dropped a music video (because of course) and it immediately went everywhere as a way of stirring up controversy. It got so bad that people were pleading with others to stop sharing it.
Well, here are 10 things I'd rather do than watch the lil' sicko jiggle his Adam's apple in a bikini. I've even added illustrations for you so you understand the lengths to which I am willing to go.
1. Have a fishing hook stuck through my eye, have my feet tied to cinderblocks, then be dragged by behind a boat through a field of stinging jellyfish
I hope that was specific enough for you.
2. Listen to dueling versions of "Baby Shark" and "Shake It Off" for 1,000 hours straight until I lose all notion of time and space and give myself to the void.
3. Take a 152mm Howitzer shell directly to the face in slow motion.
[Warning: Ballistic Dummy Graphic Violence]
4. Be forced to only get my news from Don Lemon for the rest of my life.
5. Spend the rest of my life in the gulags for the crimes of using incorrect pronouns and voting for unapproved candidates.
6. Have lemon juice squeezed in my eyes while Joe Biden whispers in my ears.
7. Root for Ohio State.
8. Give up my guns. You win, commies!
9. Have Elon's 5,000-ton Starship Heavy land directly on my face, vaporizing me with 6,000-degree fire.
10. Vote for Joe Biden in 2024. A destroyed nation is better than a fate worse than death.
Worse.
Than.
Death.
