Okay, there's a lot to digest in this story right here, so pay attention.
Let's start here: this past offseason the University of Texas hired a bunch of new football coaches, including Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks who had previously coached for Alabama. Banks has a lot going on, and apparently at one point in his life he left his wife for a stripper named Pole Assassin. (Pole Assassin.) I don't even know how this is real.
And so there's that.
Did you catch those deets, though?
Pole Assassin is a performer, and during her performances she is accompanied by a small monkey. Yes, a monkey. Pole Assassin, during her performances, is accompanied by a monkey who gives her high fives and collects dollar bills during the show. This is not a joke. This is somehow real.
Oh, and it's true: Pole Assassin was once on Jerry Springer. This is an important detail that somehow is real.
Okay, let's bring this back a little, shall we? This is University of Texas Special Teams [football] Coach Jeff Banks' girlfriend—a stripper who performs with a monkey on stage with her, and was on Jerry Springer in 2017.
A lot to take in here; but here's the main event:
Coach Banks and his stripper girlfriend decided to have a little haunted house for Halloween this year at Pole Assassin's home.
Sounds fun, right? Nothing like hitting up a former stripper's haunted house on Halloween.
Unfortunately things got a little out of hand at the haunted house.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Did I just read that right?
This is unreal.
Pole Assassin had some things to say about this little biting incident:
She even posted a video [language warning]:
So the monkey was waaaaaaay on the other side of the backyard, and it was clearly marked that nobody could even go back there. The monkey cage was even separated from the yard and marked "do not enter."
I kinda find myself siding with Pole Assassin on this one given the evidence.
Either way, let's recap:
The University of Texas hired Jeff Banks to coach special teams back in January. Jeff Banks dates a stripper named Pole Assassin and he apparently left his wife in order to be with her. Pole Assassin performs her "dances" with a small monkey on stage with her. And on Halloween, Pole Assassin hosted a haunted house where a kid got bit by her "emotional support" monkey.