Did you forget to watch Fox News or read the New York Times last week? Never fear! We have condensed all the important news into one short article right here in The Babylon Bee Forum News. Read shocking reports covering migrants, Nikki Haley, Trump, Chinese illegals, Justin Trudeau and more. All week, Babylon Bee subscribers have been posting astonishing news on our Headline Forum and diligently upvoting the most interesting headlines to share with the outside world. Enjoy!

Top Headlines of the Week - a selection of headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

• Shocking Report Reveals Only 72% Of Migrants Receive a Chocolate On Their Pillow @Kirgol
• Nikki Haley Announces She's Got Plenty More Money To Light On Fire @disidente_redactico
• Soldier Saves His Unit By Throwing Himself On Misgendered Pronoun In Email @showquest
• Trump Assures Followers That If Mar-a-Lago Is Seized, He Will Rebuild It Again In 3 Days @pure_teej
• Chinese Illegals Are Just Coming Here To Do The Bioweapons Research Jobs That Americans Won't Do @neohillbilly
• Police Assure Transgender Women It's Still Safe For Them To Go Jogging @dontslowtheearth
• Justin Trudeau Undergoes Gender Reassignment Surgery To Become A Man @cal_killeen
• Climate Activist Attempts To Deface Ceiling Of Sistine Chapel With Chicken Noodle Soup, Discovers The Ceiling Is Pretty Darn High @njhokie84
• Report: Husbands Are Rarely Murdered By Wives While Vacuuming @drconservativeprof
• Psychologists Warn That Homeschool Kids Are Not Being Properly Socialized To Feel Bad About Themselves @buzzyboy
• Sadistic Mother Hangs School Portraits Of Adolescent Children In Hallway @hailgeezer
• McConnell Retreats Into Shell @anythingelse

And here are a few more of my favorites of the week:

• Millions Come To Christ Upon Promise Of Eternity Free From Tears, Pain, Group Texts @thevoice
• Biden's Immigration Policy Hailed For Huge Reduction In Street Crime In Central & South America @showquest
• Texas To Solve Border Crisis By Building The World's Longest Buc-ee's Along Texas-Mexico Border @webidtheefarewell
• Handlers Believe McConnell Will Be Ready To Be Returned To Sea In November @mrhero
• Man Panics As Wife Appears To Be Dressing Up For Something @jswag
• Local Rockstar Quits Band And Risks All To Pursue Dream Career As Mid-Level Project Manager @mrtownsend
• Revealed: Google Gemini AI Programmed By The Hosts Of The View @beavis12345
• Peter Asked Jesus, "Who Sinned, This Umpire Or His Parents, That He Was Born Blind?" @skullcrazes

BONUS - One randomly selected headline:

• Archeologists Discover Israelite's Clothing That Did Not Wear Out Had Carhartt Labels @vasquez

Do you have breaking news that needs reported? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

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