News surrounding last week's unprecedented climate change induced eclipse was quickly eclipsed by Sheila Jackson Lee's astounding announcement that the moon is a planet made up of gasses. The government has been keeping this vital information from us for far too long! What else are they hiding from us? And just when things started getting back to normal after 4 minutes of mid-day darkness, OJ died leading Iran to attack Israel. But for a little good news, while climate change has managed to cause eclipses, war in the Middle East, and inflation, it has not yet managed to ruin The Masters. People all over the world were still able to fall asleep on the couch to the sound of men hitting little white balls into holes in the beautifully manicured grass.
As for other news you may have missed this week, read on for exclusive headlines that you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say.
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
- Mom Forced To Cook Dinner Again After Eclipse Fails To Produce Apocalypse @kirgol
- White House Plans To Spend $2 Trillion To Fight Systemic Inflation @dontslowtheearth
- CA Fast Food Chains Now Sell Nothing Burgers @ruthiej714
- Schools Are Reporting They Closed On Eclipse Day To Protect The Pupils @pure_teej
- Green Energy Win! Seven Wind Turbines Can Power One Mini Portable Fan For 3 Minutes @showquest
- ‘Stop Making Us Do These' Top Suggestion On Job Satisfaction Survey Once Again @yantelope
- New Scrabble Tiles Just Gender Symbols @baberahamlincoln
- Pallets Of Cash Don't Buy Weapons The Way They Used To, Iran Complains @priehle
- Matt Walsh Announces Next Book In His "Johnny The Walrus" Series, "Crimes Against Hugh Manatee" @buzzyboy
- Baptist Man Assures Wife He Can Stop His Root Beer Habit Any Time He Wants To @drconservativeprof
- Local Mom Declares National ‘Inflation Day Of Visibility' @gfanson
- Trump Juror Sent Home After Forgetting Torch And Pitchfork @disidente_redactico
- KJP At Presser, "I Don't Have Any Intelligence To Share With You" @bobster
- Biden Commits To Making All Chairs Electric By 2030 @retrops
- RNC Fully Endorses New DNC Campaign Slogan "Don't" @murf
- Authorities Embarrassed After They Accidentally Removed Migrants From Hotel To Make Room For More Migrants @fishythepenguin
- Biblical Fact Check: Gender Transition ‘Milestone' Actually Pronounced ‘Millstone' @realmccoy
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
- Biden Sees His Shadow During Eclipse Indicating Four More Years Of Lizard People @dolamroth
- Extortionist Demands Final Payment By April 15th @davel
- Rep Sheila Jackson Lee Fails Audition For ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?' @genxambassador
- Mason-Dixon Line Renamed IHOP-Waffle House Line @mrtownsend
- OJ Can Finally Rest Knowing His Wife's Killer Is Dead @franky_t
- Biden Still Polling Well With "I Hate America" Demographic @howiescheer
- Government Explains Domestic Spying Is Critical Because They've Let In So Many Terrorists @disidente_redactico
- Guy Watching Golf Distracted By Paint Drying On Wall, Grass Growing Outside @showquest
- Paul Tells Women That If They Have A Question About The Movie To Ask Their Husbands At Home @slayinggiants
- Jacob Introduces New Line: MyRockPillow @slinky
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
- Handlers Tell Biden Regarding Trump Debate: "DON'T" @edterri7788
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico
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