On the heels of an incredible victory in the Middle East, a terrible tragedy is unfolding in the White House as President Trump's skin is becoming pale from lack of bronzer. Due to the government shutdown, the Capitol Hill Bronzer Salon's expert staff has been unable to work their magic upon our 47th president's ruggedly handsome face leading many to cry for an end to this senseless nightmare. Trump stoically urged the Republicans in Congress to stand strong, no matter the cost. At press time, RFK Jr. had recommended Trump chug a gallon of carrot juice a day and spend hours standing in the sun with a layer of beef tallow on his face for a more natural, healthy glow.
But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title headline by @Israel.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Chip And Joanna Gaines Head To Palestine For Fixer Upper: Gaza Edition @ruthiej714
Report: The Legos Are Planning Something @davidjohnson
Judge Blocks Trump From Blocking Judges Blocking Trump @yantelope
Federal Judge Rules 'No Kings' Doesn't Apply To Them @dontslowtheearth
City Replaces Roundabouts With Squareabouts To Make Driving Easier For Women @drconservativeprof
Protesters Use Shooting Victims To Spell Out "No King" In Chicago @twoplus2ischicken
White House Unveils New Online Video Game That Allows Users To Blow Up Real Live Drug Runners From Home @thebigfreeze
Democrats Demand Paper Ballots After Republican Buys Dominion Voting Machines Company @johnisadoc
Father Preparing For Trip To ER While Watching Kids Play @middleaged_machinist
Gas Station Patron Decides To Clean Windshield With Complimentary Untreated Sewage @lpathehuman
Local Woman Decides Espresso Didn't Solve All Her Problems But It Was A Good Shot @coachjoeconway
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
Woman Who Just Gave Birth Gains New Understanding Of Pain Of Man Colds @thecatman
Crusaders On Mission To Retake Vatican Library From Muslim Prayer Rooms @batknight
Trump Looking Pale As Capitol Hill Bronzer Salon Still Shut Down @Israel
Mamdani Promises To Solve The Jewish Problem In NYC @somemidwesternguy
Archeologists Discover Moses' Broken GPS Buried In Sinai Desert @ruthiej714
Libertarians Hold "No Government" Rally @farnorth
Disheveled Unwashed Vagrant Actually Just Father Of 5 @jswag
No Kings Protester Eager To Be Rid Of King After Next Election @kirgol
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
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