Reports came in last week from off the coast of wherever Venezuela is that President Trump had authorized the U.S. military to seize an oil tanker guilty of violating sanctions, but what has gone unreported until now is that Trump also authorized the seizure of a tanker of Venezuelan Extreme Hold High Shine hair gel bound for California. The gel tanker was seized by Navy Seals specifically trained for sticky missions in what California Governor Gavin Newsom is calling a really mean attack on a political opponent. President Trump defended the seizure, saying Newsom shouldn't have tried to slip in the petroleum based gel made from pure Venezuelan oil when his hair could have looked just fine with good old American hair gel, like he only uses good old American tanning spray. Trump doubled down calling Newsom a 'pretty boy traitor,' 'loser' and 'not even that handsome.' Without the ability to maintain his signature slick used car salesman look, Newsom's presidential ambitions are now in jeopardy.
But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title headline by @jakflak.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Man Not Any Faster After Using Athletes Foot Cream For 2 Weeks @dontslowtheearth
Local Man Realizes That Finding The Right Nicotine To Caffeine Ratio Can Be Challenging @annafillaxis
Kids Stock Up On Macaroni For Mom's Christmas Present @kirgol
Trump Displays Marble Bust Of Kamedusa In White House @realschlemiel
Sad: Fir Tree With Life Goal Of Displaying Tinsel And Ornaments Ends Up As CVS Receipt @ruthiej714
Secret Service Warns Santa About The Dangers Of Landing On Sloped Roofs @drconservativeprof
Trump Brushes Off Calls Of Piracy While Wearing New Pirate Outfit @thebigfreeze
Leftists Develop New College Math: Gender / White Supremacy = Climate Change @coachjoeconway
This Can't Be Good: Man Behind Biden Clapping Coconuts To Mimic Heartbeat @twoplus2ischicken
CAIR Accuses Gov. Ron DeSantis Of Terroristophobia @carolyn1
Man Averts Tragic Skydiving Accident By Staying Home To Watch TV @gfanson
Conspiracy Theorists Come Into The 21st Century By Claiming That The Moon Landing Was AI Generated @mjja
Trump Seizes Tanker Of Hair Gel Bound For California @jakflak
Mom Listing Kids Toys For Sale As Aggressively Used @middleaged_machinist
Trump Sued By Historic Preservation Group For Replacing 1960's Toilet Bowl Bolt Covers With New Ones @swanhilde
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
Santa Looking Forward To Roomier Chimneys Thanks To Ozempic @westland619
Woman Prays For God To Rain Down Fire From Heaven In Last Ditch Effort To Warm Up @batknight
Man Calls Into Dave Ramsey Show For Advice On Managing $1 Billion In Misappropriated State Funds @alola_rychu
Hamas Celebrates Hanukkah By Firing A Rocket At Israel Every Night For Eight Nights @westland619
Satan Frustrated Women In Hell Still Cold @babylonjosh
Initially Terrified, Shepherds Regain Composure, Get Selfie With Angel @davel
Hillary Clinton Offers Lessons To Jasmine Crockett On How To Sound Black @shadrach
Nostalgic Brands Introduces Garden Hose Flavored Bottled Water @davel
Santa Vows To Put Anyone Who Says 6 7 On The Naughty List @ussship1945
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
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