While the Bible constantly warns against false teachers, it can be really difficult to spot them without, you know, reading your Bible. Thankfully, I've put together a handy little guide to help you quickly identify a false teacher using only superficial methods.
1. The Hair
This is usually the most obvious sign that you're looking at a false teacher. I'm not quite sure why so many incredibly wealthy televangelists can't seem to afford a decent stylist from the current century, but it's definitely a noticeable trait. For instance:
Joseph Prince
If it looks like a wig and/or parasitic animal living on their head... you're probably looking at a false teacher.
If they look like they've had firsthand experience with a medical condition known as "achey-breaks heart" disease... you're probably looking at a false teacher.
Joel Osteen
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "what's so bad about Osteen's hair?" And that's okay, everybody is completely stupid about something. For you, it might be recognizing terrible hair.
Okay, okay, for real: Joel Osteen's hair isn't that bad... if he's the star of an early-90's teenage sitcom and has an annoying friend named Screech.
Benny Hinn
We've all heard of the bowl cut... but I mean look at that thing! Flip it upside down and you have a veggie platter:
If it looks like you could serve charcuterie off their hair... they're probably a false teacher.
My theory is that whatever demon is possessing these false teachers manifests in their hair-do, where its spiritual tentacles can most easily influence their brains.
2. The Eyes
Granted, some false teachers don't have much hair to speak of, or keep it short enough to prevent it from taking its full demonic form. But I you cast your glance just a little bit lower, there's another visual cue: The eyes!
Kenneth Copeland
This fella likes to keep his thinning hair relatively short, but if you look a little closer...
If their eyes say "I would throw twenty thousand puppies into a turbine without hesitation if it would fuel my private jet for 5 seconds"... yeah, that's probably a false teacher.
3. The Plastic Skin
Sometimes their eyes might not look that crazy. This can happen when someone is dead inside. Or they might be a reptilian creature in disguise. One dead give away for that is the rubbery appearance of their skin.
Paula White
She looks like a Barbie doll, and I don't mean because she's blonde and thin. Look, I'm not saying she isn't an actual human. I'm just saying Japanese artificial intelligence technology has come a long way.
Jim Bakker
Sure, you might say "well they just had a lot of makeup caked on for that photo." And you might be right. But it would sure explain their complete lack of understanding of what actual humans need to eat, when they're selling their 8-year supply of end-times rice and beans.
4. The Jon Lovitz Effect
This might be a less common occurrence, but... you see it, right?
As our good friend Benny Hinn gets older, he begins to look more and more like Jon Lovitz! Granted, more research is needed into this strange anomaly but, much like all of these false teachers, I'm going to go ahead and state something as fact without any further evidence: The falsier your teachings, the more you'll start to look like esteemed actor and comedian Jon Lovitz!
What is the significance of the Lovitz Effect? Well, all the secrets will be revealed if you buy my book, How To Identify A False Teacher Without Reading The Bible for a donation of only $5,000! Also, you'll get 70 buckets of beans and God will make you super rich or something.
