For those who haven't been on Facebook and Twitter in the last 24-hours, Disney announced a slew of new movies and TV shows, with special emphasis on content for Disney+.
For those who don't know about Disney+, I have so many questions about what you do with your life. But it's basically like Netflix, except imagine Disney properties instead of all the pedophilia.
Although Big, which is on there, really creeps me out. Consider how old the kid trapped in Tom Hanks' body is supposed to be.
As a huge fan of classic Disney, and the MCU, and Star Wars (usually)... I love the idea of expanding each of these universes. Though, not gonna lie... there is a thing called market saturation, and if the insane volume of licensed Star Wars products leading up to the new sequel trilogy is any indicator, we could be in for some major overload.
I mean, do we really need Darth Vader on coffee creamer?
Yes, yes we do.
I'm kidding, of course. You can't have too much Disney, Star Wars and Marvel!
Okay, so let's dive in:
Beauty and the Beast: The Prequel?
Details on this are ambiguous (they don't even have an official name yet), but basically it's a prequel to the live-action remake starring T-Pain — I mean Emma Watson — as an auto-tuned version of Belle. Except, the prequel is going to star Gaston (Luke Evans) and LeFou (Josh Gad). So... Beauty and the Beast without Beauty or the Beast?
Who's idea was this?
I mean, I'll probably still watch it and enjoy it. But I'll be mad about it.
Swiss Family Robinson remake
Honestly, I'm totally down for this! The original is a classic, but it's a bit dated for newer generations. A quality remake could be great. Let's just hope they don't try to get to woke with the part where there's a girl pretending to be a dude.
I always felt bad for these two. First they lost Old Yeller, then they get shipwrecked.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians
This one's basically Harry Potter but with Greek mythology instead of witches and wizards. So you know... if that's what floats your boat. It's a reboot, but who cares. It'll be fun.
Well, in this case, Percy will float your boat. Cause he's like Poseidon's son or whatever.
The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers
They're bringing Emilio Estevez back to star in this continuation of the original hockey film franchise, but to be honest, I'm just so tired of companies capitalizing on nostalgia rather than coming up with original content.
And by tired, I mean I'll definitely watch every minute of it.
Turner and Hooch reboot
I never saw the original, which starred Tom Hanks, but I'm sure there's plenty of people who will watch it for nostalgia. Or cause they like dog movies.
I'm emotionally detached from it.
If I had to take a wild stab at the plot, I'd guess it's about a guy who doesn't like dogs, but then he learns to like dogs. And also solve a crime or something probably. Sounds hilarious. You'll love it. I'm basing this assessment solely on the one time I glanced at the VHS cover at Blockbuster video.
Big Shot
Hey! Finally something original. ...Assuming the plot description, "a celebration of girl power..." sounds original to you.
It's got Stamos in it, so how bad can it be?
The Mysterious Benedict Society
This is a new series based on some books. I'm assuming it's like Harry Potter or something, but different.
I dunno. Something like this, I guess?
Limitless with Chris Hemsworth
This is a National Geographic documentary.
Based solely on the title, I am absolutely certain that this is about the Thor actor taking a bunch of experimental drugs to see if he can expand his brain.
Welcome to Earth
This is another NatGeo documentary, starring Will Smith.
I assume it involves him going around the world, apologizing for that one M. Night Shyamalan movie he dragged his son into.
Several more NatGeo Documentaries
Cousteau, Secrets of the Whales, A Real Bug's Life, and America The Beautiful. Nature documentaries are cool, but I already saw Planet Earth so I think that covered everything.
Let's get to the good stuff...
Obi-Freakin'-Wan Kenobi
I mean... is there a stronger way of saying "Yes, please"? Because...
Not only is Ewan McGregor returning for the title role, but apparently Hayden Christiansen will be returning as Darth Vader. So, you know... I guess we'll get to see more of Vader's angsty emo phase?
I can't wait for lines like this in James Earl Jones' voice.
Star Wars: Rangers of the New Republic
Set during the same post-Empire time period as The Mandalorian, this will be a show about... well, Space Rangers!
Star Wars: Ahsoka
If you're watching The Mandalorian, or saw some of the animated Star Wars shows like Clone Wars, you'll be familiar with this alien Jedi. Is it going to be as cool as an Obi-Wan series?
NOPE.
But who cares? It's Star Wars!
Andor, Star Wars: The Bad Batch, Star Wars: Visions, Lando, The Acolyte, and A Droid Story
I don't know what half of these shows are about, but who cares? It's Star Wars!
Andor "sizzle reel":
Star Wars: The Bad Batch "sizzle reel":
Eat it up, you nerds!
Willow
Yep, good ol' Warwick Davis is assuming the titular character again in this Disney+ series.
Will Val Kilmer make an appearance, as well? One can only hope.
Chip 'n' Dale: Rescue Rangers
This will be an animated/live-action hybrid, starring John Mulaney and Andy Samberg. I mean, what more is there to say? You had me at "animated/live-action hybrid Chip 'n' Dale: Rescue Rangers film starring John Mulaney and Andy Samberg"!
More Disney+ live-action movies
A Hocus Pocus sequel, a Cruella DeVille prequel, a Three Men and a Baby remake, Disenchanted (a sequel to Enchanted), an interracial reimagining of Cheaper by the Dozen, and Sister Act 3 are all in the works.
I assume the new Sister Act involves Whoopi Goldberg trying to teach a bunch of yapping liberal women to sing Motown hits.
We're also going to see a "live-action" Pinocchio remake...
A live-action Peter Pan "reimagining"...
...And some movies about sports.
Some animated Fox properties
There's a Diary of a Wimpy Kid animated reboot, an Ice Age spin-off series, and a Night at the Museum animated sequel.
Some more animated Disney shows
Baymax, Zootopia+, Tiana, and Moana, The Series are among spin-offs that will find their homes at Disney+, in addition to a Pixar series about a baseball team, Win or Lose.
Speaking of Pixar, there's going to be a Cars spin-off and an Up spin-off.
Disney/Pixar's Soul
Pixar's upcoming feature film, originally intended for a theater premiere (back when theaters were legal, if you can remember that!), will be premiering on Disney+ on Christmas Day.
So, you know... you'll have the option of celebrating Jesus' birth by watching a movie that is sure to have some questionable theology regarding the after-life.
Okay, let's get to the Marvel Studios stuff...
Ms. Marvel
Okay, the first question I have is...
Does Kevin Feige not have another outfit? I feel like he's always wearing this same hat and coat combo:
The second question I have is: As I recall, Ms. Marvel is Muslim in the comics. So, does she stand for truth, justice and... Sharia Law, or how does that work? Honest question.
Either way, I'm sure she'll have more personality than that other "Marvel" girl.
"My hobbies involve grinning smugly and telling people my movies ArEn'T fOr YoU!"
Loki
Everyone's favorite Marvel villain is back in his own series, even though he died like 20 times already. But hey, it's comics!
WandaVision
This feels a little bit like eating a Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco for the first time: I don't know what's going on, but I want more of it!
The Falcon and The Winter Soldier
Captain America's two side-kicks team up and... I don't know, beat up bad guys while debating whether to wear Cap's shield, I guess!
Who cares? It's Marvel!
Other MCU Shows...
Samuel L. Jackson's going to be in a new Secret Invasion series, Jeremy Renner will star in a Hawkeye show, and Don Cheadle will reprise his role as War Machine in Armor Wars. On top of that are shows introducing new heroes like Ironheart, She-Hulk, and Moon Knight. Groot will be starring in a series of short films, and the new What If...? animated series will explore alternate versions of the MCU.
Please, please, please explore a universe where the original Fantastic Four movie was released!
Or even just a good Fantastic Four movie.
The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special
Guardians of the Galaxy + Christmas? Yes, I will be watching this every year for the rest of my life.
So that's the gist of it.
Lots of familiar properties being revisited, expanded and explored, with a couple of originals sprinkled throughout.
If anyone needs me, I'll be right here, binge-watching all of it, always and forever.
