[Editor's Note: What follows is the opinion of a mildly deranged man and does not represent the views of Not The Bee. Enjoy!]
While more famous for being the butt of jokes than a desirable foodstuff, I am here to tell you that the modest fruitcake is the ambrosia of desserts, a delight to the palate, and a party for the eyes.
To start, fruitcake has two important things going for it:
- Fruit.
- Cake.
As we all know, fruit is healthy. We are constantly being badgered by dietary experts to eat more fruit. What better source of fruit is there than fruitcake? Besides every other source, I mean.
I do think it's important here to dispel an enduring myth that the fruit in today's modern fruitcakes is infused with colossal amounts of sugar.
That is a lie.
It is glacéed with colossal amounts of sugar, which is an entirely different process that involves speaking French.
Okay, I am willing to admit that the fruit you typically find in fruit cake these days, assuming you find any, has been... glacéed with so much sugar it resembles Gummies more than fruit, but that's not what's important. What's important is that it has the word "fruit" in it, so when your doctor asks you if you've been eating fruit you can give him an answer that won't necessarily require a visit to the confessional booth and a half dozen Our Fathers.
Also, little known fact: Enormous amounts of sugar act as a natural antimicrobial agent which explains fruitcake's epic shelf life.
In contrast, low amounts of sugar actually encourages microbial growth, so really, if you care about the health of your family, maybe skip the dangerous germ-ridden natural fruit and give them a big healthy serving of life-saving fruitcake.
Besides, when you think about it, where does sugar come from anyway? A plant. And what is a plant if not a vegetable?
Eating fruitcake is like taking Balance of Nature, only instead of having to choke down pills, you get to choke down cake!
Speaking of which, cake.
Enough said.
Fruitcake has a long history, dating back as far as the Egyptians and has played a role in shaping our lives to this very day. Roman legions used an early form of fruitcake called satura to fuel their expansion. Did they rely on kale salads and quinoa? No, otherwise we'd all be speaking German by now. Or something.
Fruitcake is versatile as well, appropriate for both breakfast and dessert, bookending your busy day. Plus, how many desserts can you wrap up and give as an actual gift as opposed to just something you bring to a dinner party? Let's just say you aren't going to drop banana pudding in a FedEx box.
And yes, all jokes aside, it really can be used as a doorstop. You can't say that about peach flambé, if only for the safety hazard.
And I'd like to see someone try to drive a nail with a pizzelle.
Fruitcake is truly one of my favorite things to eat. My mother-in-law makes a particularly good version that substitutes spiced gum drops for some of the sugar-infu… I mean, glacéed fruit.
That's how much she cares about our health.
It also includes ample quantities of nuts, raisins (hey, fruit!) and just the right amount of spices. It is alcohol free which is how I like it. (I'm an alcohol purist of sorts and prefer it on the side).
So enjoy your fruitcake this year, the penultimate holiday treat/multi-tool/health food, during this joyous season.
And despite my clearly airtight argument to the contrary, should you still be inclined to drop your aunt Marge's fruitcake straight into the wastebasket, ask around to see if anyone might want it.
