This past week, people across the country who were not about to be stabbed to death were outraged that a police officer shot a teenager in Columbus Ohio who was about to stab to death another young girl.
Couldn't he have done something else in the split second he had to make a decision? Aren't there other alternatives?
Well, Twitter was full of helpful suggestions, and leftists around the world sitting in the comfort of their homes were eager to crowd source solutions.
And as long as they were already going to "re-imagine policing" they might as well re-imagine things like physics, human nature, and even the passage of time.
As the old saying goes, "When seconds count, non-lethal alternatives are only minutes away."
Let's go through some of these suggestions.
First up, "Long sticks."
I don't know why we haven't thought of this before. As any 7-year-old boy who is not about to be stabbed to death can tell you, long sticks can be quite an effective deterrent.
We'll need to send out an entire squad of police for every call of course in order for them to work, so that "defund" part they want to do might have to be re-imagined as well.
This next person was full of ideas! She was full of a lot, you could even say.
How about "de-escalation?" Why, he could have just shouted, "drop the weapon."
Sounds solid. Sure, the other girl probably would have had a knife plunged into her chest somewhere between "the" and "weapon" but that's where you resort to real "physical force." We're talking about that reliable between-classes middle-school move known as, "tripping."
Now that I'm thinking about it, why didn't he just tie her shoe laces together? Both funny and effective!
Here's another individual suggesting more chit-chat in life-or-death situations.
There is certainly a time and place for such measures. This was not one of them.
Lots more good ideas here.
Rubber bullets! Brilliant, assuming the assailant was using a rubber knife.
Tear gas? Why not infect her with Covid, it would be about as effective.
How about "nightstick + tackle?"
Tell you what, show me how that's done first, just so I can get the hang of it.
A Taser is certainly an option, in fact were I to see a ten-inch steel blade speeding towards my heart I'd totally want my life to depend on the reliable Taser.
Hey, it works the majority of the time.
And there's always dogs. Of course, we'd have ensure every police officer is equipped with a highly trained canine and is him or herself trained to use the dog.
This defunding thing is starting to sound really expensive.
How about tranquilizer darts!
Tranquilizer darts are an excellent option for those situations in which you find yourself wanting to write a novel or a movie script. Otherwise, as anyone who has ever watched a nature show knows, tranquilizer darts can easily take a few minutes to take effect, which would have been about two minutes and 59.99 seconds longer than the young girl about to be stabbed had.
Hey, better sorry than safe!
Some pointed out that kids stab each other all the time, no biggie!
It's like a right of passage. Sometimes into the afterlife, but whatevs.
And, possibly my favorite suggestion:
Toss a Nerf football toward her
Never bring a sponge to a knife fight.
There were a couple of entertaining retorts to these suggestions worth noting.
Finally, I will leave you with this one.
"Don't shoot to kill. Simple."
Don't try to stab somebody to death.