This is literally the most believable, least suspicious conclusion ever reached in the history of human civilization:
Jeffrey Epstein's 2019 death was a suicide with no outside involvement, a Department of Justice report has ruled today after years of rampant conspiracy theories questioning why the notorious, well-connected pedophile was able to take his own life while in custody.
The reaaallly reallly subtle subtext here is that the federal government is trying to be like:
Yeah we totally believe you guys. A super high-profile prisoner in federal custody just happened to manage to evade the amped-up supervision of his 24/7 guards and hang himself with sheets he never should have gotten in the first place. Mm hmm.
If you still doubt it, hey, take the reassuring, totally credible words of Inspector General Michael Horowitz:
[W]e did not uncover evidence contradicting the FBI's determination there was no criminality in connection with how Epstein died.
What a magnificent statement, so stirring in its clarity, so stunning in its directness! Nothing to doubt here.
