Do you know what's on the cereal buffet in hell?
I mean other than decaffeinated coffee?
Kashi Go "Keto Friendly" cereal.
It's keto friendly, I'll give it that.
In fact, I'll give it to anyone who wants it.
As for 100% tasty, umm...
For the record, I am not anti-keto, the diet that all but eliminates carbohydrates and instead focuses on fat and protein macros. It works for many people short-term, and for some long term. I am certainly not against keto-friendly foods in general which I feel obligated to point out includes bacon.
It includes more than just bacon, of course. It also includes different bacon.
While I eat a balanced diet including carbs, I often seek out foods that emphasize protein and fiber (I work out a lot, and I'm old) particularly breakfast cereals which often overdo the carbs - and in particular sugar - and underdo the protein and fiber.
So, I was pretty excited to try out this new Kashi cereal (which also happened to be on sale).
How bad could this be, right? Consumer companies are pretty careful when launching new products, and while tastes differ, this seemed pretty straightforward: Chocolate and cinnamon-vanilla cereals. Both have been successfully executed for decades, including by Kashi, which is a competent cereal maker.
They certainly understood what the challenge was, making a typically carb-heavy meal into something that would fit into a no-carb keto diet. At least their marketing department clearly felt they nailed it!
Two flavors. One delicious taste experience. Whether you choose the smooth and indulgent Dark Cocoa flavor or the sweet, satisfying crunch of Cinnamon Vanilla, this keto-friendly loop cereal just makes mornings better.
I opened a box of the chocolate and got a whiff of well, I really don't know what.
I find it almost impossible to describe it. It's like a 10th-grade chemistry class held a science fair inside a Yankee Candle shop.
Then I had a spoonful to see how it tasted.
I think a Yankee candle would have been better.
It was… how do I put this as diplomatically as possible?
Awful? Dreadful? Soul-crushing?
It's "smooth and indulgent" the way Kamala Harris is "honest and genuine."
The cocoa flavor does its best to distract you from the assault that was soon to follow, but to no avail. Within seconds, you experience that "what the heck?" moment.
It proceeds to get worse, as the initial chocolate is completely overwhelmed by this indescribably offensive aftertaste.
That aftertaste then lingers.
And lingers some more, like that unpleasant feeling you get after you watch The View except no one calls you a racist.
I tried the cinnamon-vanilla version a few days later, hoping that would be better.
If anything, it was worse, the flavoring being naturally more subtle. It was wholly inadequate to the task of covering up what was going on underneath, like the gym bro who skips the shower and hopes the Axe body spray will be enough.
Dude, you smell like something died in the men's grooming aisle at CVS, okay?
And that was just the aroma.
I needed a second opinion, so who better to lure into a highly dubious taste test than a trusting child?
Not to worry, the cereal is FDA approved, so you know it's safe!
Come to think of it, so is the Covid vaccine and I refused to give him that...
Eh, at least with the Kashi he won't end up with an enlarged heart.
I'll note here that my child has been raised on the same kind of cereal I like, so mostly healthy stuff, including Kashi products, so it's not like he's coming off a Froot Loop high trying these.
I gave him a box of the chocolate to try.
Son: Why does it smell like that?
Me: I don't know.
Okay, definitely not a good sign. Still, he soldiered on, poured out a bowl, added the milk, and dug in.
The first thing I noticed was the face he made.
The second thing was him running over to the garbage pail to spit it out.
I don't think he's ever done that before, and we've fed him Brussel sprouts.
After he rinsed out his mouth with water, he turned to me.
Son: What is that taste?
Me: I know, right? It's easily the worst cereal I've ever had.
Son: It's the worst thing I ever put in my mouth, and I've sprayed bug spray in my mouth.
That's a quote.
- Goal: Smooth and indulgent.
- Result: Insect repellent.
I checked the ingredients and there's nothing unexpected, with the possible exception of lentils.
I don't much care for lentils, although that's more of a texture thing (they're like the plant version of liver). Yes, the texture is a bit gummy once it gets in your mouth (the very last place you want this cereal) but texture is the least of this cereal's problems.
Regardless, I don't like to waste money, and have been choking this horrid stuff down for the past month or so.
It never gets better.
It's like it was designed to scare people away from keto diets so they'd be forced to buy Kashi's regular carb-rich cereals again.
However, if you absolutely had to choose between the two: Don't.
To sum up:
- If you are not on a keto diet, do not buy this cereal.
- If you are on a keto diet, also do not buy this cereal.
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