You'd think this would be a Florida Man story but it actually took place in Maine. Maine Man. Maybe the guy is originally from Florida?

So the absolute winner pictured above beat another man with the Good Book while trying to steal his SUV.

According the Bangor Daily News:

The victim reported pulling over his vehicle on West Broadway and leaving it to take pictures when another man, later identified as Parker, allegedly jumped into the driver's seat and tried to leave, police said. The victim struggled to regain control of the SUV when Parker allegedly began hitting him with the Bible, police said.

The victim told police he was able to push Parker from the vehicle. Parker then allegedly ran off and police found him behind a house on Cedar Street. Police also allegedly found the Bible used in the assault.

I have so many questions.

What kind of Bible are we talking about here? Like one of those cheap, paper-cover giveaway NIVs? A leather-bound large print? A huge hardcover study Bible? I mean there are major differences between them.

Whose Bible was it and why wasn't that mentioned? Did the man attempt to steal a car while carrying a Bible? Or was it sitting in the car and he decided it would be a good weapon? The story says the police recovered the Bible. So did the guy run away with the other guy's Bible after smashing him with it or was he actually carrying a Bible when he decided to steal a car?

Why did the perp decide a Bible would be a good weapon? Like, why not just punch the guy in the face? Wouldn't that be much more effective? I'm not rooting for the bad guy, don't get me wrong. I just have questions.

Is this bloke the worst criminal of all time? The owner of the SUV was outside the vehicle and the guy got into the driver's seat and still didn't end up successfully stealing the car. Then he decides to try whacking the guy with a Bible? What the heck is going on here?

The people need answers.