It's always exciting when a 70-year-old corporate candy mascot gets a major makeover. Who could pretend not to be jazzed about such a once-in-a-generation cultural event?
But, um, somebody needs to tell M&M's that when you re-design your characters, you're actually supposed to, you know... re-design your characters:
Seriously. Those images are unaltered.
So why did M&Ms drop what was probably hundreds of thousands of dollars on an apparently useless re-launch of its longtime marketing promo? Weeelll let's just say you probably won't be surprised:
On Thursday, candy maker Mars, Incorporated announced that their beloved M&M's characters would be getting a makeover in 2022, with "a fresh, modern take" on their design and "more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling."
Their new look will help bring the characters into a "more dynamic, progressive world," Mars said.
That's right! M&M's is going woke!
"But wait," you say, "How on earth is this seemingly identical revision 'more nuanced' and 'more dynamic' and 'progressive'?"
Oh, let me assure you that M&M's has pulled out all the stops to those ends:
Each character's unique shape has been more defined, and their color palette refined — moving from a tan color on their arms and legs to a more universal clearer hue, slightly tinted for each to match their shell.
The most notable changes are to the brown and green M&M's, the two female characters. Both have new footwear — brown's pumps lowered to a more sensible height and green's white heeled go-go boots changed out for what Mars calls "cool, laid-back sneakers to reflect her effortless confidence."
Ah, yes: the "effortless confidence" that comes with being a living candy creature that will presumably soon be eaten by a child on Halloween. They do know what we do to M&M's, don't they?
But wait, there's more:
Brown and Green, who had been seen at odds with each other in previous advertisements, will now have a more friendly relationship, the duo "together throwing shine and not shade." Orange, traditionally shown as anxious, will "embrace his true self, worries and all." And Red, often the bully of the bunch, will be kinder moving forward.
We really want to make sure you get the full thrilling, transformative backstory of the Orange M&M. According to CBS News:
The orange M&M, who has an anxious personality, will "embrace his true self, worries and all." But the orange M&M's shoe laces will now be tied to represent his cautious nature. According to Mars, the orange M&M is "one of the most relatable characters with Gen-Z," which is the "most anxious generation."
Yeah uh can you think of any other compelling reasons why "Orange" might be a little nervous?
Meanwhile, rounding out this dazzling progressive transformation:
All of the character will also have prefixes removed from their names in order to focus on "their personalities, rather than their gender." And they've got new poses "to be more inviting and welcoming so everyone feels as though they are a part of the crew and fans will see more characters featured together in group shots and with each other, making anyone feel invited."
That's right: M&M's has taken us over the balustrade from "there are 295 genders and you need to tell everyone your pronouns" to "abolishing pronouns and gender altogether because personalities or something." Who would've thought a multinational candy corporation would be the one to drag us into this incredible new future?
Look, folks, we can all just admit it: woke or not, M&M's are just not that great.
I'm not saying they're terrible. I'm just saying they feel like the sort of thing you'd have given to D-Day paratroopers to ensure they kept their blood sugar up during the Normandy invasion: Kinda dusty, a little bit boring, a pure utilitarian candy.
Except for the peanut butter M&M's.
Those are the best and y'all know it.
P.S. Now check out our latest video: "Highlights from Biden's speech last night" 👇