If you haven't heard, Matt Walsh thinks buying your wife an early Valentine's Day is the gayest thing you'll ever do.
"97% of us are buying the Valentine's gift on the way home from work on February 14th.
But buying a Valentine's gift for your wife a month early is the gayest thing you could do."
But surely that only applies to traditional Valentine's gifts like roses and candies. Those are just afterthoughts anyway.
Imagine your wife's surprise if you put some thought into this Valentine's Day and got her something out of the box (literally crawling out of the box)?
For example, what's more romantic than naming a cockroach after her at the Bronx Zoo?
Why would you want to name a cockroach after your love?
Just think about it. It's the most romantic thing ever.
Roaches are forever.
Not even a nuclear holocaust could destroy your love.
And if you act fast, you can get her the total cockroach romance package, complete with cockroach plushie and cockroach socks.
If you want to go the extra mile for your special evening, the San Antonio Zoo is also offering hippo-poop scented candles.
"Did you know, hippo poop is the cologne of the hippo world and is used to impress potential mates?
"So, if you're looking to turn up the heat and attract that special someone, our poop-scented Hippo-Love Candle is the rizz you need. The scent of seduction will have potential mates flocking to you like never before."
"This one-of-a-kind candle captures our famous hippo, Timothy's, signature scent of hippo poop. Embrace the power of nature this Valentine's season and give this memorable gift that will certainly take you from date to mate."
C'mon fellas, I'm doing all the heavy lifting for you here.
Surely, even Matt Walsh could see the wisdom of this early Valentine's tribute to that special person in your life.
Don't have a special someone for Valentine's Day?
Well, the San Antonio Zoo has you covered there too.
They'll let you name a cockroach, vegetable, or a rat after your ex … then feed it to a zoo animal.
There's something for everybody.
Thanks to Not the Bee users @oldhoss and @gwen42 for the heads up about this story.
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