A Multnomah County deputy said he had to use his "ninja-like skills" last week to sneak up behind an escaped cheetah someone reported near the Oregon Zoo.

Turns out, the cheetah was just a toy.

According to the sheriff's office, they received a call from a resident of southwest Portland saying he/she/xi/xer had seen a cheetah in the area.

Were I an officer in Portland, I'd be a bit suspicious of any fantastical claims made by local residents, but since the sighting was near the zoo and the occasional mountain lion has been seen in the area, the sheriff's office called the zoo and dispatched a deputy to protect the fine residents of America's favorite Marxist utopia.

When Deputy Sullivan arrived, he found the cat perched in the woods and cautiously approached. Embodying Kobra Kai's three principles of "strike first," "strike hard," and "no mercy," the deputy faithfully apprehended the fake feline, ensuring that no citizen would fall prey to its merciless schemes.

"I used my ninja-like skills to sneak up on the beast," Sullivan said. "Of course, it sat there dumbfounded that I was able to get so close for a couple of photos. Turns out it was a stuffed animal!"

While you may be (rightly) judging the resident who called the police to report a toy, the sheriff's department is urging us all to be a bit more understanding:

"Give the neighbor credit, the description was spot on, and a cheetah in the SW Hills would have caused great panic."

The sheriff's office also reminded people that they will always be there for them, whether it's hunting down toy cheetahs or taking Molotov cocktails in the face, because that's just what they do.

"We encourage all of you to report crimes or anything that you may find is out of the ordinary or suspicious, we are here to serve you and will always risk our lives for the community's safety."

We now return to our usual coverage of Portland: