You know what this world could really use right about now?

• A 132nd version of M&Ms.

• Pumpkin pie flavored things in August.

• A healthy political environment in which citizens are free to discuss important policy issues in an atmosphere absent rancor and founded upon intellectual rigor and mutual respect.

I guess M&Ms and pumpkin pie flavored things it is!

Oh, look, you can get them in a "share size" pack! Sure, you're probably not going to actually share them since your neighbor is too busy screaming at you at the top of his lungs having just discovered that your political views are not in total lockstep agreement with his, and Facebook banned you after your best friend in high school helpfully pointed out that you were literally Hitler.

No one wants to share M&Ms with Hitler.

I came across these M&Ms in one of those moments when I'm particularly susceptible to bad decisions, by which I mean my wife was not with me.

Let me put it this way, think about some of your worst purchases. Now, was your wife with you then?

Sure hon, I think it's a great idea to buy a log splitter even though we live in a one bedroom three-story walk up apartment and don't have a fireplace. YOLO, right?

Said no woman ever.

Anyways, I was in a Sheetz somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, in the middle of a multi-hour drive to see family. Before I knew it the pumpkin pie M&Ms were beckoning to me with their siren song of falling leaves, warm scarves, and brisk autumn nights spent by a crackling fire. No matter that beads of sweat were already forming on my back having just walked the 40 feet from my car to the ubiquitous convenience store. It was August after all. But hey, YOLO, right?

Incidentally, if you have the distinct feeling that pumpkin spice season is coming earlier and earlier, you're right.

One of the more interesting things I learned in this article was that Americans' obsession with all things pumpkin predates the country itself with early colonists initially adopting the English custom of slicing up a pumpkin and frying it which makes me totally want to slice up a pumpkin and fry it.

Back to the pumpkin pie M&Ms. I typically like pumpkin spice flavored things, and have reviewed a variety of such offerings in the past so, having never tried them, and curious as to M&M's take on the concept, I was in.

So, how were they?

The first caution was the M&M character they used on the packaging, dressed up as he was with a festive pumpkin hat and an undeniable expression of foreboding.

If their own mascot was this concerned, you should be concerned too. Yes, I know he's the Orange M&M, the worrier of the group, but I still did not take this as a positive sign.

Speaking of marketing, Mars was pushing these pretty hard.

Dive into the rich flavor of real milk chocolate infused with the cozy warmth of pumpkin spice, all wrapped up in vibrant candy shells.

Here they are, in all their vibrant glory.

I'm getting less vibrant fall colors here and more 1970s automobile showroom from these, but okay.

Mars went on,

These milk chocolates aren't just a treat; they're a bite-size slice of pumpkin pie dreams!

Okay, if these are what are in your pumpkin pie dreams, you are doing dreams wrong.

Come to think of it, if you are dreaming of pumpkin pie and not sailing the Adriatic, sky diving in Nepal, and being chased down an endless series of halls by a homicidal maniac wearing a Kamala Harris mask muttering, "It is time for us to do what we have been doing and that time is every day" as she slashes at you with a butcher knife, you're doing dreams wrong, although that last part might just be me.

No matter, I was looking forward to what elaborate chemical concoction of pumpkin pie-like flavoring the Mars company food scientists came up with.

Unfortunately, there was another bad sign: Unlike other specialty M&Ms, which proudly display their exotic contents for all to see, the picture on the pumpkin pie M&Ms was tucked down low as if they were trying to hide it. Worse, there was apparently no pumpkin pie in the pumpkin pie M&Ms.

Peanut M&Ms have peanuts in them. Peanut butter M&Ms have peanut butter in them, and these caramel ones that I bought purely in the interest of science have caramel inside.

Look how proud he is of this.

Bite into that caramel M&M, and you find caramel, as you would expect.

Bite into a pretzel M&M, which I also bought for this article because I am just that dedicated a researcher, has a pretzel on the inside.

What does a pumpkin pie M&M have on the inside?

An M&M.

That's it. It looks like a slightly overweight M&M, more likely to have body image issues than pumpkin pie flavor.

Really guys, would it have killed you to put some orange colored pumpkin concoction inside this thing? It's not like you called these pumpkin spice (as you've done before) or pumpkin pie spice, like other fall-themed food products. No, you called these pumpkin pie M&Ms.

Not wanting to judge a book by its cover, I popped one into my mouth.

What did it taste like?

Picture taking an M&M, and combining it with another M&M.

This is the homeopathic dilution approach to candy seasoning. Add some pumpkin flavoring, and then dilute the M&M over time so that no actual pumpkin flavor remains other than the pumpkin's "vital energy."

Unfortunately, vital energy is apparently flavorless.

Given that my taste buds might not be what they once were, having been bathed for decades in cigar smoke, gin, and regret, I had my son try one. He said he could taste pumpkin spice a bit, but when I pressed him he noted he was basically sucking on it, slowly trying to coax out every last molecule.

I have to concede, if you really concentrate, you can taste it. A little. Maybe? It's definitely there, but it's there like a shadow is there, rather than the object casting it.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. This very well may be part of their corporate culture as evidenced by Mars's Inclusion and Diversity programs (emphasis mine):

At Mars, we're committed to fostering an environment where our 150,000 Associates feel valued and respected, regardless of any visible or invisible differences.

Invisible differences. These are the differences you can't detect, quite possibly because they don't exist — like the rack where Mars keeps their pumpkin pie spices.

As I had alluded to earlier, it turns out M&M's entry into the fall-flavor sweepstakes was a bit of a failure with the first iteration in 2013.

They're now discontinued, so you can't taste them for yourself, but a reviewer at The Impulsive Buy argues you aren't missing much. Adam, who was a fan of the similarly bonkers Pumpkin Spice Pringles, thought that the Pumpkin Spice M&M's mostly tasted like a jumbo version of standard M&M's with an aftertaste like "a wimpy version of Cinnamon Red Hots." This limited-edition flavor only stuck around for one season.

Eleven years later, their solution is not to add more spice, it's to remove "spice" from the name.

Problem solved!

Hey, no one actually knows what pumpkin tastes like anyway! Right?…

Some people do like them, but these four below are typical of the reviews these are getting, yet again, over a decade later, from M&M's own website:

After taking a bite I had to look up whether this flavor actually had pumpkin or if it was just the colors that were pumpkin themed. To sum it up, the flavor of "pumpkin pie" is beyond subtle and honestly felt like I was eating a bag of larger sized milk chocolate m&ms ...

I felt that the flavor was flat. Definitely need to be stronger on the Pumpking Pie flavor ...

No pumpkin taste at all. Just like eating a regular M&M ...

There's not enough pumpkin flavor and it tastes like only some of the candies have pumpkin. They are also different sizes. Hopefully they will be better next year!!

Based on the last decade ...

The standard corporate answer to these reviews was this:

Thank you for the feedback. We are very sorry to learn that the taste did not meet your expectations. We would like to speak with you directly to learn more.

Let me save you the phone call.

Add some pumpkin spice.

People will still buy these, of course. Heck, I did. The package is fun, and they're still M&Ms, but this will satisfy your cravings for pumpkin spice flavors the way Congress satisfies your cravings for common decency.

On the plus size, I still have these caramel and pretzel M&Ms to finish.

For science, of course.

For those of you who have tried these, now or in the past, let us know what you thought in the comments. And let me know about other pumpkin spice things you've started coming across. I have begun gathering them for my annual mega review.

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