It's been a little over a year since my first pumpkin-spice roundup, however in the intervening months we all learned a dark truth:
The spices that make up "pumpkin spice" have a long and violent history, steeped in racism and colonialism.
Of course, it's not just pumpkin spice that has a problematic past about which we much torture ourselves in perpetual penitence; it's many of the other trappings of modern life we enjoy, and by "many of the other" I mean, "ALL OF THEM."
Those interstate highways that conveniently whisk us from our home to the local pro-Hamas demonstration are not just racist, they were modeled after Nazi Germany's Autobahn, which had been built to provide quick and efficient transport of Panzer divisions, the better to meet the French in battle, or at least try to keep up with the French as they fled in the opposite direction of battle, like Usain Bolt on meth.
That's right, you're driving on Hitler Highways.
The important thing is that you feel badly 100% of the time about things for which you bear no responsibility and couldn't do anything about if you did. The alternative is to wallow in ignorance and joy.
Mostly joy.
I kind of miss the joy.
Regardless, given its popularity, particularly with my taste buds, I thought I'd once again sample as wide a variety of pumpkin spice food items as I could tolerate, always being sure to pause a moment to say a quiet prayer to Gaia asking forgiveness for my existence.
First up, the grandaddy of them all, the one credited with starting Americans' fascination with pumpkin spice, by which I mean American corporate marketing departments' fascination with generating incremental seasonal revenue:
Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte
Naturally, there is some controversy over whether Starbucks can lay claim to having kicked off the pumpkin spice craze. You can always find someone who will explain that akshually, it was an obscure shoe cobbler in 1733 who first came up with blah blah blah ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.
I hadn't actually had one of these in a while, as I don't typically purchase sweetened coffee drinks, but I thought I'd give it a whirl, and so went to a Starbucks while waiting for my son to finish one of the 37 weekly activities my wife has him signed up for.
I ordered in advance using the app, and once I got to the store, looked on in fascination as the Starbucks baristas expertly went about the complicated process of completely forgetting my order.
"The printer jammed," they explained, so they never got the ticket. In any case, they eventually finished preparing my order, and I finally had my pumpkin spice latte.
How was it?
Picture being able to capture Autumn in a paper cup. Then picture adding fourteen sacks of sugar to it. Then add some spices in a manner suggesting that you've lost the will to live and in your existential crisis ceased caring about anything as you find yourself eagerly anticipating the cold embrace of death.
Kind of like that, only more orange.
This would be like cholera kicking off a dysentery craze. It was truly awful, and I not only like pumpkin spice, but I'll avail myself of the occasional seasonal indulgence of a sweet coffee drink a few times a year and enjoy it.
Perhaps this was just a bad example, but I was not going to risk giving it another chance, not this year anyway.
Incidentally, I had my son try it, to make sure I wasn't overreacting.
"Eeewww, that's horrible."
Yes, yes it was.
While we're on the topic of coffee ...
Good & Gather Pumpkin Spice Coffee
As a general rule, I don't like flavored coffees.
Scratch that.
As a universal rule, I don't like flavored coffees.
(I'm talking about straight up coffee, not lattes or other coffee dress-me-ups.)
However, my son bought this at Target (Good & Gather is a house brand), so I tried it and ... it's not bad.
Definitely pumpkin spice, but subtle enough that it does not completely overwhelm the coffee flavor which itself is acceptable.
Not a go-to for me, but I was pleasantly surprised. If you enjoy flavored coffees, and enjoy all things pumpkin spice, this could work for you. Just be advised that "hint of pumpkin" is completely undetectable, like that "hint of what your wife wants for Christmas." You'll never figure it out, even if you ask her, and she tells you because you'll probably just forget anyway. Play it safe, and just get that grill, DeWalt tool set, and the 85-inch OLED TV with complete sports package she's always wanted.
Krispy Kreme Pumpkin Spice Cake Doughnut
I was scrolling through my photos while I was writing this piece to see what I had. This was among them. It took me a while to even remember having this, so obviously it did not exactly have a big impact on me.
In fact, as my memory returned, I recalled why it hadn't registered as one of my pumpkin spice taste tests.
It didn't have any pumpkin spice in it, not at any levels detectable by humans anyway. It tasted like a glazed doughnut. Period. If there was any pumpkin spice in it, it was completely overwhelmed by the sugar glaze. As you can tell from the ingredient list, they even used some artificial flavoring.
Guys, if chemistry can't save you, nothing can.
Speaking of donuts …
Tastykake Pumpkin Spice Mini Donuts
Me: Did you try these?
Son: Yes.
Me: What did you think?
Son: They taste like every other pumpkin spice thing I've had, sugary with a hint of pumpkin spice.
I thought he was being charitable.
If you blindfolded me and told me these were cinnamon donuts, or maybe even just powdered sugar, I would have believed you. These do not need to exist, they need to go in the dustbin of history together with 95% of Oreo flavors and the DH rule.
Chobani Pumpkin Spice Yogurt.
I believe this is the only repeat from my piece last year.
It's still not good.
Props for consistency, I guess.
The pumpkin spice flavor is there, but there is something off about the whole endeavor, as if the good Lord never intended man to add pumpkin spice to yogurt.
Great, now I have to go to confession.
Milano Pumpkin Spice flavored cookies
I forgot to take a picture of the cookies, much the same way Pepperidge Farm forgot to add the pumpkin spice.
What's going on this year, supply chain issues with nutmeg? A speculative bubble in clove?
These large corporations do enormous amounts of research and market testing before launching any kind of product, so you have to start to wonder if their focus group participants are sending the message that they don't really much like pumpkin spice after all, but rather the concept of pumpkin spice, much in the way people say they like coffee and then order a macchiato caramel double pump with whipped cream, sprinkles, French toast, and a slice of cheesecake.
On to pleasant surprises.
Quaker Oats Pumpkin Spice Instant Oatmeal
This was … pretty good. In fact, as sweetened instant oatmeal goes, quite good.
I usually eat plain oatmeal, instant or otherwise, but I'll do these flavored packets from time to time, and I actually found myself returning to these over the course of the month. It has a good amount of pumpkin spice flavor, not too sweet, overall a fine entrant.
It's kind of sad that it's notable when a company gets it right, but here we are, and Quaker Oats got this one right.
Pop-tarts Frosted Pumpkin Pie
As some of you may recall, I have a passing fondness for Pop-tarts.
However, I do not enjoy every flavor, and I purchased these fully expecting them to be awful so I could be all snarky about them, basically a toaster pastry version of every time I read Karen Attiah in the Washington Post. I was even unhappy at the time that I could only find them in 12 packs, meaning I'd be stuck choking these down all winter.
However, a funny thing happened on the way to the toaster.
These are good. Very good.
As Pop-tarts go, a great execution. Good pumpkin spice flavor, and a moist filling that picks up the pumpkin part quite well — something missing in most pumpkin-spice offerings, in that there is little to no way to successfully incorporate pumpkin into the equation. They knew that too, which is why these are "pumpkin pie" flavored and not just "pumpkin spice."
I might have to buy another twelve pack to hold me over until next season. (Don't worry, they're Pop-tarts, they'll keep.)
Wrap-up
I will concede that I missed approximately 4,700 other pumpkin spice offerings in my roundup. In fact, here's a list of 27 that People Magazine put together earlier this year.
Of the 27, I only saw one in the grocery store — the Thomas' pumpkin spice bagels.
None of the eight I mention here made their list.
So, I feel like I'm adding real value to the pumpkin spice pantheon.
In any case, enjoy the upcoming holiday, and have a frosted pumpkin pie Pop-tart for me!
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