So this is real news:

Yes, the Polish government is ACTUALLY considering retirement benefits for police dogs and horses. Because we are now living simultaneously within episodes of Paw Patrol and My Little Pony.

The legislation would still allow retired animals to be housed with their handlers, or to be taken in by [organizations] that care for animals. But food, medical treatment and other costs would be covered by the state.

COVERED BY THE STATE.

ANIMAL RETIREMENT!

Alright let's break this down and pretend it's very serious. We're going to forget about the horses though, because honestly nobody cares about them and they don't even solve crimes:

According to the National Police Dog Foundation:

The youngest age when [police dogs] become mature enough to concentrate on training well is between 12 and 15 months...Depending on its health status [retirement] is normally around 10 years of age.

According to The Spruce Pets, a 1-year-old police dog is about 15-16 human years old, and a 10-year-old police dog is around 66 (a very normal retirement age).

So if you think about it—and please try to remain as sincere as possible—these police dogs serve the public from 15 to 66 (MORE THAN 50 YEARS!) FOR ABSOLUTELY ZERO PAY!!!

To be honest, that sounds like slavery to me. Not to mention the child labor.

So obviously there needs to be a retirement plan for dogs who serve their community, just like there are for humans....right?

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT...

"Lifetime care of animals in subordinate services"

That's actually a real tweet from the Polish government.

Great job Poland!

Okay, in all seriousness this is extremely stupid, and I can't go on any longer.

If I had to write a letter to Poland it would go like this:

Dear Poland,

This is the dumbest thing I've read all week.

Get it together.

Thanks.

Bye!