Woke language update: Now we're supposed to refer to men as "people who are at risk of testicular cancer" and women as "people who can get pregnant"

May 30th

The woke rules are always changing. Here is the 14th update for this year:

That's right. Men, you are now "people who can get other people pregnant and also are at risk of testicular cancer."

Women, you are now "people who can get pregnant." I assume in this version of the woke rules it's still acceptable to also use "people who bleed."

(I thought defining women entirely by their ability to have children was considered sexist, but I guess that was only in the old version of the rules.)

Since this woke acolyte says we need to use terms that focus on "function not form," I have a few other suggestions:

  • People who can urinate while standing
  • People who can get ovarian cancer
  • People who can grow a majestic mane of facial hair
  • People who can get an abortion
  • People who can successfully parallel park with ease
  • People who can cross their legs without pain
  • People who have a hard time listening when their spouse talks
  • People who are really good at making sammiches.

Remember: Make sure to use the correct terminology, or else!


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