There are blue, pink, and green dogs running wild in Russia and I have questions.

Feb 27th

This is Russia, so if people are seeing blue, pink, and green dogs there are usually one of three explanations:

Excess exposure to radiation.

Excess exposure to chemicals.

Excess exposure to vodka.

Well, I see them too, at least in pictures, and I don't drink vodka.

This sudden inundation of LGBTQ-hued canines started last week with the sighting of blue dogs in Dzerzhinsk, Russia. (It sounds just like it's spelled, stop being difficult.)

It was assumed some unnatural process created the dogs. It's not as if being blue confers some Darwinian advantage to the dogs given their habitat. Where would a blue dog blend into its surroundings? An Indianapolis Colts game?

There were theories.

The factory was once a large chemical production facility that made hydrocyanic acid and plexiglass.

Andrey Mislevets added that the stray dogs could have come in contact with some copper sulphate while wandering around the abandoned buildings in the area.

And the denials, of course.

While experts have suggested that the blue colouring of the fur was due to chemical pollution, the plant's bankruptcy manager denied the authenticity of the images, adding they were a prank.

There would have to be some pretty bored kids in Dzerzhinsk for this to be a prank.

What am I saying? It's Dzerzhinsk.

Regardless, this slander of Dzerzhinsk must stop. In fact, you should seriously consider Dzerzhinsk for your next vacation. Bring the whole family!

Then came the pink dogs, also in bucolic Dzerzhinsk.

While the origin of the pink dogs is even less clear (breast cancer awareness month isn't until October), it is pointed out that around 300,000 tons of chemical waste was dumped during and after the Cold War in Dzerzhinsk. The Kristall defense plant may also be playing a role.

However, according to a report in the New York Post,

East2West has reported that city officials are calling the claims "exaggerated."

Complete exaggeration.

Oh, and the blue dogs are pooping blue, too.

Which brings us to the green dogs which were found wandering about Podolsk, about 285 miles from Dzerzhinsk and just south of Moscow.

Officials said that the dogs likely got their unusual colour from rolling around in green paint left at an abandoned warehouse in the area.

Sure, green paint.

Or gamma radiation.

Don't make Fido angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Neither the pink nor the green dogs have been reported captured so I'm afraid we can't yet say what color their poop is.

Odd-colored dogs are not as uncommon as you may think. Three years ago blue dogs were found wandering about India.

These were also suspected of having been the product of chemical pollution.

Meanwhile in Malaysia last year someone painted a dog with black and orange stripes to look like a tiger.

An animal cruelty investigation was under way on that last one.

There are a few lessons to be learned here.

First, don't paint dogs. It's not healthy, and I don't care how big a Cincinnati Bengals fan you are.

Second, try not to dump 300,000 tons of chemical pollutants into your city. Also, that did not happen according to authorities.

Finally, stop drinking vodka. It's basically just grain alcohol.

Gin, on the other hand, is a gentleman's drink, which is also basically just grain alcohol but it has juniper berries in it which is A TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING!

In any case, our best wishes go out to dogs of all colors.


P.S. Now you should watch our latest video because isn't it time for some answers from Christian Biden supporters? 👇

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