You know you're in trouble when the equines start turning on you.
I've always been suspicious of zebras. There's a reason God dressed them like prisoners from the get-go.
Still, how exactly does a zebra "attack" a person? I understand they're large, but still. I mean, where is the zebra on the food chain anyway? One step up from grass?
That's when I started digging, employing journalistic skills honed by years of writing Pop-Tart reviews and googled, "man attacked by zebra."
It was then that I found out the awful truth:
The zebra was kept as a pet by the victim in Pickaway, Ohio.
Just another sad story of domestic abuse, I'm afraid.
The cops were called and eventually shot the zebra, which was being "aggressive."
And yes, the zebra was unarmed.
Kind of like his owner.
Naturally, this was not the zebra's first offense.
"The zebra had already shown aggression. And speaking with some of the family members and friends, apparently, this zebra has been aggressive in the past," Pickaway County Sheriff Matthew Hafey told NBC4.
I don't know how many more examples we need, but this is what soft-on-zebra policies get you.
How often do zebras attack humans? You might be surprised by the answer:
Not all that often, really.
Okay, maybe not that surprised.
Still, there are enough zebra attacks to warrant a video with 66,000 views, "How to Survive a Zebra Attack."
Among the tips are, "Don't Ride Them," which honestly would not have otherwise occurred to me.
Of course, now I want to ride one.
Another helpful suggestion is to "Grab a Stick."
Well, sure. How many situations are there where grabbing a stick would not be useful? Neurosurgery maybe.
Regardless, be forewarned. I came across a story that I cannot confirm to my satisfaction, that a Brit was mistaken for a female zebra while on a safari and died from, um, fatal levels of affection.
Were I to make a list of ways I want to die, being loved to death by a zebra would not make the top million.
That all said, I still kind of want to ride one.
A small one.