Sometimes I worry that I'll run out of things to be offended by 🤔, but then I remember that the internet exists 😄 💡, and well... this happens:
These images were all included in a slideshow on Instagram by @86thepatriarchy.
As if the username wasn't already enough of a clue 🕵️♀️, you know you're in for a ride🎢 when you see the phrase, "the unbearable whiteness of ____". At this point, no matter matter how you fill in that blank, it's going to be entertaining.
But... emojis? 🤔
Yes. Emojis are problematic. Because if you're truly woke, you know that the 1st 👩🏼⚖️Law of Wokeness (LOW) is...
⚖️LOW #1: Everything is problematic!
To illustrate 🎨 this, we'll move on to slide two:
Okay, let's take this piece by piece 🧩. First we start with a brief history 📚 on emojis:
In 2015, we see the moment Oxford decided to boost dictionary 📖 sales 🤑:
However, some people complained about a lack of diversity🌈 in emoji.
Oh? Emojis aren't diverse? Well, maybe our SJW friend here has a point! Maybe we should be upset about this issue! 🤬
Oh! Phewf 😅! Good news!📰 They made emojis diverse🌈. We've got gay relationships👨❤️💋👨, we've got the rainbow flag🏳️🌈, we've got wheelchairs👨🦼 and hijabs🧕 and multi-racial middle fingers! That's great! I guess the problem was solved like 5 years ago! End of story!
...right?
Oh. I forgot the 2nd 👩🏼⚖️Law of Wokeness:
⚖️LOW #2: Nothing is ever good enough!
Translation: You can represent every disability, race, religion, and identity, and it will still not be enough.
I'm starting to understand why the emoji gods 🔱 originally just went with an ambiguously-raced yellow skin tone🧑🦲 for the default. I mean, it's not white, it's not any specific race... it's just a friendly, neutral color🟨. Who could have a problem with that, right?
Did I mention 👩🏼⚖️Law #1?
LOW #1: Everything is problematic!
Yep. Only now we're not just talking about emojis, we're talking Simpsons, and... yep, even those beloved plastic bricks🧱. Childhood ruined.
Confused🤷? Don't worry, it'll all make sense if we skip forward a few slides...
Just kidding😂, of course it won't. Why? I'm glad you asked. Allow me to introduce the 3rd 👩🏼⚖️Law of Wokeness:
⚖️LOW #3: It doesn't have to make sense if you're angry enough about it!
The argument here is that even though white people🙋🏼 aren't yellow🙋, they use yellow more than other people do, so therefore, yellow is secretly🤫 white, and therefore, if a non-white person uses yellow, they're really being tricked into using white. Even though it's yellow.
🛑Hold up. Let's take a moment to appreciate this part right here:
The reasoning here is that white people🙋🏼 can use the yellow skin🙋 emojis to opt-out of identifying their race, but non-white people🙋🏾 can't use yellow skin to opt-out of identifying their race, because yellow is really just another white. ✋Wait wait wait wait... if that's the case, doesn't that mean that white people aren't actually able to opt-out of their race either, since they're just using another version of white?
Make sense🤷? No? You're probably a white supremacist (or yellow supremacist?).
Speaking of supremacy, let's take a look at one more slide:
I know, I know, it's a lot to unpack🧳.
I'll break it down for you again. It probably won't help, but it might be entertaining🤩:
So, it was originally just a neutral fist pump ✊, but then it was redefined (AKA "co-opted") to represent resistance by Black/Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC)✊🏿.
Well, great! I want to stand against racism, too:
✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿
Oops.
⏸Pause for a second. Can we just appreciate the fact that it's totally okay to redefine a completely neutral symbol, and then tell everyone that they're not allowed to use it anymore?
I mean, that's like changing the definition of "sandwiches🥪" to "sandwiches🥪 made by and for people from Idaho🥔," and then getting offended when New Yorkers🗽 co-opt your co-opted word. Those dang New Yorkers🗽! Going around acting like they have the right to make sandwiches🥪 for themselves!
But, that's just part of the Woke Code. 👩🏼⚖️Law of Wokeness number four, to be precise:
⚖️LOW #4: Redefine everything, and then get offended when people are still using the old definitions.
Whatever. Fine, we won't use the black power fist. But I still want to support the resistance:
✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻
Nope. Racist. Can't do that either. 🙅♂️
...And you might be thinking, "Okay, I get it, no problem. I'll just use the neutral yellow power fist✊!" But, as we already discussed, yellow is just secret white 🤫, which just feels even worse for some reason.
There were more slides, but I think you get the general idea🤔. If you're white, it's probably just best to avoid emojis altogether, because, when in doubt, remember the 5th 👩🏼⚖️Law of Wokeness:
