It could be worse.
A lot worse.
Regardless, Bloomberg thinks it's very important for you to know about this tavern-style pizza that is taking over the U.S.
A local Chicago business paper wanted you to know where you can get the pizza that's taking over the U.S.
But, it's not just taking over the U.S., it's dominating menus from New York to Los Angeles!
Why, it's an outright pizza craze!!!
And no, there is no master media hive mind controlling the global ebb and flow of information to the betterment of a cabal of billionaires and their enabling political cronies. To suggest such a thing would be crazy.
(Also, they're watching…)
I was intrigued by this news, in part because I am fascinated by the complex interplay of food and culture and the manner in which it illuminates the subtle subtext of the moment's zeitgeist and in part I am fascinated by the complex interplay of pepperoni and my mouth and the manner in which it illuminates the..., oh, who am I kidding.
I like pizza.
The Bloomberg piece which first warned me of this style of pizza taking over the U.S. was written by Kat Odell, an extremely experienced freelance writer. Here is a sampling of some of her recent pieces:
Orange Julius-Inspired Cocktails Are the Drink of the Summer
Okay, so she likes to drink, but she also writes extensively about food.
And drinking.
I'm not saying she has a problem, I'm just saying that there are local AA chapters throughout the United States with sponsors available to help you though your journey to sobriety. In any case, Odell does write a lot about food when she is sober, particularly in the Hamptons!
These Are This Summer's 13 Best New Restaurants in the Hamptons
For those unfamiliar with the New York City area, "the Hamptons," consists of a series of municipalities with imaginative names like "East Hampton," and "Southampton," and so on. It is a ritzy area occupying the southeast end of Long Island that is swamped by upper-income New Yorkers fleeing the city in the summer to "get away from it all," but since everyone in New York goes there, you aren't so much getting away from it all, as you are "bringing it all with you."
Think Fifth Avenue only instead of garbage, there's sand.
And garbage.
In any case, what is this "tavern pie" that's all the rage?
Ready to have your mind blown?
It's a pizza, only the crust is thin. Really thin, not like "thin crust," but even thinner. I guess. In fact, it's so thin, it's crispy.
So, there's that.
Oh, but it goes far beyond the crust.
...Okay, no it doesn't, it's pretty much the crust. That, and spreading the cheese and sauce to the edges which I think we've all seen before on various styles of pies.
Also, it's been around for about 80 years, and apparently has been sweeping the nation since at least early last year.
Odell recounts the origin of the tavern pie which involves a Chicago bar owner wanting a snack he could feed his patrons so they would drink more beer.
The appeal this subject has to Odell is starting to become clear.
I like pizza, and I was reading this on a Friday night which is typically pizza night, so I started to check to see if tavern-style pizza had also taken over the Washington, DC area.
Indeed it had, over a year ago, and it's even worse here than I thought.
It's an obsession.
Somehow, I missed this pizza paradigm shift involving crust that is thinner than usual and failed to be dutifully obsessed over it as instructed by my betters. I had to do something about that.
As it turned out, in checking out the article's recommended go-to places to get an authentic tavern pizza, one happened to be in my neighborhood, Nighthawk Brewery & Pizza.
Look, you already had me at "pizza," but it's a brewery too? And in my neighborhood?!
I opened up Uber Eats. Sure, I knew I could save a few bucks by driving the mile to the place, but I also knew I'd end up spending that, and some multiple beyond, drinking beer.
As luck would have it, Uber Eats gave me a month of free deliveries. No catch that I could tell, so I went for it. 30-minute delivery, even!
Of course, you have to make adjustments for the fact that Uber Eats exists in an alternate temporal dimension from the rest of us creating a quantum rift in which time is distorted and our physical laws don't apply.
The pizza arrived about an hour later.
How was it?
Well, as far as the crust goes (and it's all about the crust), it was thin. And crispy.
They definitely nailed the basics.
But was it a great leap forward in pizza technology, one that would make me rethink everything I thought I knew and dismiss all other pizza styles as archaic relics from a more primitive past?
No. It's another style of crust, one I've had before, if not by the name, "tavern pizza," which made me think that, at least in part, this was as much a new style of marketing as a new style of pizza.
I decided to investigate the exact extent to which tavern-style pizza was taking over the US.
This piece is from 2022, but still right around the time this new marketing craze, er, pizza craze, was supposed to be taking hold, so you'd think it would have had some effect on the data.
The result?
First, the term "tavern pie" doesn't appear in the article at all. I'll note that the article mixed, I believe, styles and toppings. I don't consider a "Supreme Pizza" a style, just topping choices.
That all said, thin and crispy crust, the hallmark of the tavern style, did make a brief appearance.
But first, want to know what the favorite pizza is in Missouri?
Hawaiian.
The favorite pizza in Hawaii?
Thin and crispy.
See, even Hawaiians know pineapple doesn't belong on pizza.
The other state that favors thin and crispy?
Iowa.
That's it. Two states. That's not a sweep. That's brushing the crumbs off your couch because your mother-in-law just appeared unexpectedly at your front door.
Otherwise, it's still mostly deep-dish, Sicilian, and white.
Interestingly, there are other popular local styles of thin and crispy pizza, including the New Haven-style pizza, and St. Louis-style pizza, both with their own quirks, but the base is a thin and crispy crust. Further, when you cut a St. Louis-style pizza into three to four-inch rectangles, it's called a "tavern cut."
You can go down a nearly limitless number of rabbit holes on the subject of pizza styles, let's just say that "tavern-style pizza" is not taking over the U.S. It's gaining some recognition among media types and their insecure readers desperate to appear to be "in the know" about what's "in" and "out."
Otherwise, it's just pizza.
I should note that my tavern-style pizza was excellent. The sauce, pepperoni, and cheese were all well above average, so marketing gimmick or not, I'll be having this again. I like variety, and have in the past gotten thin crust as a change in pace.
However, for me the crust is a big part of what makes a pizza a pizza. I pay attention to it. The texture, the taste, the way it either enhances or diminishes the rest of the ingredients. The tavern pie's crust, insubstantial as it is, is largely overwhelmed by everything else. In that sense, it becomes a bit player in the show, as opposed to a co-star.
Still it's pizza, and all pizza is good.
(Even Hawaiian. If you're desperate.)
As for me, looks like I have some leftovers to eat.
