Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that this is a real video, shot in a real U.S. city by the name of Portland, Oregon, in the year 2023.

[I heavily censored this so you didn't have to see X-rated bits flying around or hear language but be warned that there's violence and potential random body parts]

Yes, they used to say "keep Portland weird," but now I guess it's just "keep Portland in a constant state of decay," because this is straight up embarrassing. Funny, sure, but when reality kicks in and tells you that this is actually a thing that happened, the silly factor just kind of goes away. I could say a lot of things about this video — "Naked guy wins," "cycle on the sidewalk," "I need to see better form on those bicycle kicks" — but I just can't seem to find it in me with this one.

This is what you get when you run your city on liberal policies, my people.

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