First of all, that sounds like the beginning of an epic joke.
"A hostage negotiator, an animal-control officer, and a toddler whisperer walk into a bar…"
Second, the Boston Globe is considered to be a serious newspaper by people who make such assessments. After all, it's won 26 Pulitzers!
Sure, the New York Times and the Washington Post won Pulitzers for their part in aiding and abetting the Russian collusion hoax that consumed the country for years, but still.
Oh, and there was that time Walter Duranty won a Pulitzer for excusing Stalin's murderous rampage by noting, "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs."
That's some Pulitzer-prize winning prose right there. Also vile.
Okay, so the Pulitzer isn't a reliable indicator of quality journalism, but I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to notice that, so shut up and be impressed.
Anyway, the latest award-winner from The Globe includes a think piece on how Trump might be extricated from the White House when he decides, as expected among the journalists at every major newspaper in the country, to hole up in the Lincoln bedroom with firearms, his Twitter password, and a year's supply self-tanning lotion.
In fact, the piece starts off kind of jokey like that, but then gets momentarily serious, noting that,
Oh, so I guess we're supposed to take this sort of seriously, more tongue-in-cheek, but with a serious premise. The comments on Twitter are telling in that they are mostly along the lines of "I'd pay to see that!"
The Globe knows its audience.
Let's look at a few excerpts, all played straight by the reporter.
"The hostage negotiator"
"'The first thing you do is try to establish a rapport with the individual,' said Alfred S. Titus, Jr., a retired NYPD homicide detective who was a member of the force's hostage negotiation team.
‘We try to remind them how good their life has been — hopefully that's the case — and talk about what they have to look forward to."
Did I mention this appeared in a major city paper? No, really it did.
"The animal control officer"
"'When we do a wildlife evacuation, we don't do anything except give them the ability to get out,' said Mark Thomas, the owner of Baystate Wildlife Management, in Canton.
Invaders are usually gone within five days, he said, but if the animals are being ‘difficult,' the firm may sprinkle coyote urine around."
I'm pretty sure we're supposed to be laughing along here because it is extremely amusing.
I felt like I needed to point that out.
"The toddler whisperer"
"'With any transition, I give warnings of the change a few minutes ahead of time,' said Kim Warrington, owner of Kim's Kid Kare FCC and Preschool, in Athol.
She gave an example: ‘In five minutes, it will be time to pick up the blocks and go… In two minutes, it will be time...'"
Get it? They spoke with someone who deals with toddler behavior. Because Trump is like a toddler. The yucks are really piling up now.
"The dog trainer"
"If I have a dog that is in a crate and does not want to come out, I would use a lure,' said Martin Wright, the owner of Argos Dog Training in Dorchester."
A dog! And the sitting President is like a dog. Get it?
Humor is all about subtlety.
"'Dogs like to play,' he added, 'so sometimes you can get them out of the crate if you show them a ball.'"
This appeared at the end of the piece, and the journalist finally weighs in, going for the big laugh she's been building up to all along:
"Or maybe a golf cart."
That's Jimmy Kimmel-level humor right there. I can almost hear the raucous clapter now.
In case you were wondering if this is the most read article in The Boston Globe today, of course it is.