We have arrived at the Island of Dr. Moreau phase of consumer branding, in which companies start combining that which neither God nor nature ever intended to be combined in a desperate attempt to capture the waning attention of a TikTok-addled populace.
How else do you explain the decision behind creating a cookie version of a soft drink, and a soft drink version of a cookie?
I'm picturing the creative process going something like this:
Coca-Cola: Hey, I have an idea!
Oreo: What?
Coca-Cola: Money!
Oreo: I'm in.
It's a weird combination, one that never would have occurred to me. I did manage to find people previously promoting the dunking of Oreos into Coke here and there, but was there really a national call for this?
No matter, duty calls:
The Cola.
The biggest problem with Oreo Coke was the decision to use Coke Zero as the base.
You're making a cookie version of Coca-Cola and you lead with a diet drink?
I understand Coke is leaning heavily into sugar-free offerings as sugar (or more accurately corn syrup) has become so maligned, but you're trying to make an Oreo-cookie version of Coca-Cola. Sugar is a major part of the flavor profile. Yes, there are sugar-free Oreos, but even those have other carbs in them to lean against. With a soft drink, it's just the flavoring and carbonation. There is no backup, and no amount of aspartame or Sucralose is going to make up for it.
This becomes even more obvious when you compare Oreo Coca-Cola side by side with actual Oreos.
This only made more obvious the other biggest problem with this Oreo-flavored Coca-Cola: It doesn't have any Oreo flavor.
If that's an exaggeration, it's a small one. I could discern, maybe, a bit of Oreo in it, but that could have just been my mind desperately looking for the promised flavor and bringing up a memory.
To make sure it wasn't just me, I had my teenage son try it. He had the same impression.
Then I had my son's friends try it. Same thing, although one said he could detect a slight Oreo aroma.
Not one of them particularly liked it, which brings us to the third biggest problem (and yes, you can have three "biggest problems" the same way your boss can give you "three top #1 priorities").
It doesn't taste very good, period.
This was the universal opinion across four teenage boys one of whom had a very similar opinion to mine: "It tastes like grocery store brand cola."
As I was writing this, it occurred to me I might be being a bit harsh, so I tossed one of the two cans I had left over in the freezer for about 30 minutes to give it one more shot.
What did other reviews have to say? There was this one that started off well enough:
Cracking open a mini can, I was assaulted by the aroma of, well, Oreo. I took a tiny sip, and yep, there it was: I was totally drinking the famous creme-filled chocolate wafer cookie.
Interestingly, the rest of the piece pretty much panned it, with the author noting that based on other reviews, she was in the minority.
So who was the majority you may ask? This was the majority.
It was an enticing, cool aroma that whispered, 'I'm as refreshing as a diet cola and as delicious as your favorite cookie.' And that's how it tasted, too. Like a sip of soda between bites of Oreo, while the pleasant taste still lingers in your mouth.
Before we leave the Coca-Cola, I should point out that this product was part of their "Creations" line which includes other offerings such as "K-Wave"
Yep, never mind creating a soft drink that tastes like a cookie, they are creating a soft drink that tastes like Korean pop bands.
Imagine the global appeal and universal excitement of your favorite K-Pop band - all captured in the new Coca‑Cola Creations drop.
What exactly would slave contracts and child exploitation taste like?
Before we move on to the Cookie side of this misbegotten collaboration, remember my "TikTok addled generation" remark earlier?
Yes, "Coca-Cola Happy Tears" is available "Exclusively on the TikTok Shop," and no, you don't really want to know what "Happy Tears" is all about.
The Cookie.
The first thing that slams you in the face when you open the package is the aroma.
Oh, yes, this definitely smells like Coca-Cola.
The downside is it smells like flat, stale cola that's been left to sit in a glass for hours like when you have to clean up after a kids party emptying out 37 half-glasses of soda. This is unavoidable for one simple reason:
It's not a carbonated beverage. It's a cookie.
The cookies themselves look pretty cool, with a red wafer on one side with Coca-Cola branding. Definitely a fun presentation. My son remarked on this as well.
One minor flaw is that the red cookies get scuffed up with the chocolate wafers in the packaging unlike what is promised on the package.
Then again, consumer products not living up to their idealized marketing promotion is nothing new to the American consumer.
As for taste, well, if you've ever longed for the day to have a flat crunchy Coke, your ship has arrived.
These are simply unpleasant. Maybe not Birthday Cake Oreo unpleasant (sorry, Birthday Cake lovers) but close enough that I don't particularly want to have to finish the package. I keep going back to them with a kind of car wreck fascination. I don't want to eat them, but I'm somehow drawn to the horror of it all.
This goes beyond "grumpy old man doesn't like anything." My son gave them a C+ calling them a "fun gimmick," and I noticed he hasn't sought them out since I opened the package. That's always a tell. This was in stark contrast to the dark-chocolate-creme-flavored Oreos, which he devoured to the point that I had to buy another package to finish my mega Oreo review.
Here's what Oreo has to say about them.
The Limited-Edition OREO® Coca-Cola™ Cookie boasts a distinctive red and black color-blocked design featuring two unique basecakes, one classic chocolate and one red-colored golden embossed with Coca-Cola® designs, stuffed with a smooth white-colored creme.
I recognize that "creme" is not cream. Oreo says "creme" because it has no dairy, and so cannot be called cream. I get that.
But something feels very wrong about having to color your fake cream to make it look fake white. At the very least, why do you feel compelled to point that out as part of your marketing spiel? Do you think that makes it sound enticing? That would be like Hershey's promoting their chocolate bars as only having "30 or more insect parts and a sprinkling of rodent hair." Yes, that's true, but really, we don't want to know about it.
The basecakes are paired with a Coca-Cola® inspired taste fans know and love, and popping candies that bring a "fizzing" sensation to every bite.
No, they don't. They bring more of a gritty sensation reminding me less of carbonation, and more of insect parts because now I can't get that out of my head.
With a red and black color-blocked design featuring one signature OREO chocolate wafer cookie containing Coca-Cola® syrup on one side and a red-colored Golden OREO wafer embossed with one of three unique designs on the other,...
Interestingly enough, there is some confusion about where the syrup is. Oreo is clearly telling us it's in the chocolate wafer, but this reviewer said he could taste it in the creme.
The Cola-Cola Oreo has three flavor components. There's one normal chocolate cookie. Then there's the red cookie, which tastes like a Golden Oreo shell. Finally, you've got the creme, which carries a surprisingly accurate simulation of cola flavor - along with popping candy.
I don't blame him. The reality is, the flavor ends up infusing every part of the cookie sitting in the package. I personally broke the cookie down trying to tell for myself, and everything tasted like concentrated flat Coke.
...these limited edition Coca-Cola® OREO Cookies are stuffed with a smooth white-colored creme with popping candy.
They are really into their ability to create white-colored creme. Where is this coming from? A legal settlement? Someone lost a bet?
Each bite evokes the experience of drinking the beverage.
No, no it doesn't. Maybe they should just stick with extolling the virtues of white-colored creme.
Coca-Cola® OREO sandwich cookies combine the best parts of both products for the ultimate treat to share and celebrate this bestie-ship.
There's a word I could easily never hear again and live a happy life.
Of course, plenty of reviewers liked these, such as this one titled, "Coke-Flavored Oreos, an Honest Review." I've written before about these kinds of reviews that feel compelled to note that they are being honest, and they keep reminding me of the Ryan George video about the expression, "I'm not gonna lie..." calling into question everything else you say.
In fact, looking back at the author's last twelve reviews, apparently only two were actually honest.
It makes me question whether those Pillsbury Toaster Donuts Pastries really are "a sweet, flaky pastry worth differentiating from the Toaster Strudels we know and love" or is that just another lie.
In any case, back to the Coke Oreos,
The popping candy mimics the carbonation of Coca-Cola.
(Someone dutifully read the marketing material.)
Oreo has been foisting this popping candy on us for years now, and it didn't mimic fireworks in their Fourth of July Oreos, or anything Cosmic in their Space Dunk Oreos, and they don't mimic carbonation in these Coke Oreos. It always just reminds me of sand. My son kind of likes the popping candy finding them "fun," reminding me he "is a child," a phrase he only uses in situations where it benefits him. No matter, you cannot carbonate a cookie. Once you accepted that reality, you probably should have stopped development right there.
And, while they aren't advertised as such, these cookies appear to have a Double Stuf's worth of creme. We're really being spoiled with this one, folks.
New flash for all professional junk-food reviewers out there: With few exceptions, all the Oreos that are brand extensions have a Double Stuff's worth of creme in them. All you have to do is look at the nutritional label. Three original Oreos clock in at 160 calories. It only takes two of these to hit 140.
Interestingly, the psychopath above who liked the cola, hates the cookie and pretty much nailed it with this:
The thing about Coke syrup is that it's meant to be diffused. In its concentrated form, it's way too much of a good thing and veers into the cleaning product taste category. Eating this cookie feels like taking a bite of a Lysol-inspired snack cake with little bits of gravel mixed in the cream. Horrendous all around.
Of course, I had to dunk an Coke Oreo into the Oreo Coke.
This... wasn't as bad as I expected. It wasn't good, mind you, but better than each separately.
Conclusion.
While my son and I both agreed neither of these are very good, we split on which was worse.
I found the cookies to be unpleasant, much like my psychopath friend above. As for the Coke, it tastes like mediocre cola. Given the choice between eating a bad cookie and drinking a mediocre cola, I'll take the latter.
My son went with the cookie, saying that at least they were fun and interesting. "If I want to drink bad cola, I can go to the 7-11 and buy some," he said.
Fair enough.
Bottom line: You like Oreos and Coke?
Buy Oreos and Coke.
