I've been saying for years that the State of the Union address is a complete waste of time. It's about as thrilling as watching paint dry, and takes about as long.
Back in the day, at least these things were short and sweet. Richard Nixon didn't even make it to half an hour! But recently, we've had to routinely deal with speeches on the wrong side of the one hour mark.
The reality is that we don't even need to hold these things in person. Thomas Jefferson ditched the idea back in 1801 because it felt too much like a monarch addressing his subjects. Fast forward over a hundred years, with Woodrow Wilson bringing this waste of time back in 1913, and presidents have been addressing their subjects ever since.
The worst part is what the State of the Union has become: A low-IQ exercise in cheering for your guy and sitting down to demonstrate how unimpressed you are with their guy. Who's clapping, who's scowling, what color tie they're wearing — it's all just noise in the theater that is Washington, D.C.
Given that the most enjoyable part of being a professional political commentator is that we make a living by sharing our predictions (however accurate or outrageous), you don't even need to waste your time watching Joe Biden on Thursday night, because here's what is going to happen:
- Joe Biden will start strong, with plenty of volume, but will fade away into a sweaty mass of bumbling confusion once the Adderall wears off.
- Joe Biden will lie. He'll lie about the economy, inflation, jobs, the border, immigration, race, crime. And his gang of clapping seals (the Democratic Party) will love him for it. If he was Pinocchio, it would be a nose-through-the-front-door situation. Also, special shoutout for the both-side-ism that will be on display for Israel and Hamas, along with at least one outburst from Hamas's own representative, Rashida Tlaib.
- Joe Biden will talk about the apparent impending threat to democracy that only he can defend us from. Because, you know, it's an election year, which means that Donald Trump is Adolf Hitler, and we must save democracy by flushing democracy down the toilet.
Instead of playing this ridiculous game by pretending that the State of the Union provides anything of value, let's take a page from Jefferson's book and go back to written addresses. I'll do one better: Scrap them completely.
At the very least, we'd get a few hours of our lives back, and save Biden's doctor the hassle of having to dose him up for the evening...
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