According to inside and outside sources, the Babylon Bee primarily trafficks in misinformation under the guise of satire. This is a very serious problem especially for satire that causes laughter, because laughing is fun. People should not be sucked in by all the fun to the dangerous underworld of humor at the Babylon Bee, so be warned, forewarned, and aftwarned that continuing to read this article may be dangerous to your personal ESG score. There are quite a few people who have not heeded this warning and have become trapped in our subscriber lounge and now spend their entire existence trying to come up with banger headlines to wow Kyle Mann and Joel Berry and their friends on the Babylon Bee Headline Forum. Please proceed with caution as the following headlines might make you laugh, which will cause your ESG score to go up, and then you'll have to eat bugs to make it go back down. Five bugs for every mild chuckle should do the trick.
Top Headlines of the Week - a selection of headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
- March Madness Game Plays On Despite Protestor Glued To Backboard @stankystankowicz
- Toronto Man Arrested For Locking Vehicle @pure_teej
- Dad Reminds Daughter's New Boyfriend That He Has An F-16 @kirgol
- Man Relieved To See His Pilot Drinking Out Of A ‘Leftist Tears' Tumbler @dontslowtheearth
- 4D Chess: Man Carries Illegal Immigrant Who Carries Gun @twoplus2ischicken
- Citizens In Jail For Entering Capitol Illegally Wish They'd Just Entered Country Illegally @showquest
- Trump Introduces Maga-ritas @babylonandonanon
- Amish Buggy Fails California Emission Standards @disidente_redactico
- MSNBC Predicts Trump Will Cause The Sun To Go Out Sometime In Early April @neohillbilly
- Haitian Cooks Confirm: Snake Tastes Like Politician @carolyn1
- FBI Raid House Of Republican Who Left His House To Get The Mail On Jan 6th @fishythepenguin
- BABYLON MOM: Children Are A Blessing, So For Spring Break I'm Gifting Them A Week Of Camp @afnarr
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top, so here are my favorites of the week:
- Family Plans Colonial Expansion To The Sweet Pews In The Back Left @webidtheefarewell
- Democrats Call Evidence Exonerating Trump A Dirty Trick To Prove He's Innocent @toddsbee
- Kate Middleton Found In Christmastown, VT, Running A Muffin Bakery @constitutionalpesant
- Boeing Ends Partnership With Little Tikes Tool Set @robertwilson
- Hoping For Rescue, Americans In Haiti Announce They Have Broken McDonald's Ice Cream Machines @drconservativeprof
- Thanks To DEI, NFL Forced To Hire Non-Blind Referee @jbaker
- Missing Wife Found After Husband Leaves A Glue Trap Outside Of Her Blanket Nest @lpathehuman
- Small Group Of Irish Monks Storing Western Culture Away In Secret Library @pallmor
- Helen Put On Trial For Witchcraft After Somehow Fitting Eleven Layers In A Casserole @unclecrumpty
- Local Man Delighted To Hear That His Heart Surgery Will Be Done By A Team Of Diverse Individuals Who Were Marginalized In The Past By Standards @1horsepony
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
- Canada Buys Fleet Of Boeing Planes For Assisted Suicide Program @jakflak
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so let us know your favorite in the comments!
Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico
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