All you folks out there complaining about California, "California this" and "California that," let me tell you something: If we didn't have California in the Union, we'd be missing out on unbelievable sagas like this:
The story begins in April 2022, when California resident Jessica Long purchased Cedar the Goat for her nine-year-old daughter. The child "fed and cared for the goat every day, eventually bonding with the animal." That sort of thing tends to happen.
Then, for some reason known but to God, the family "entered Cedar into the Shasta District Fair's junior livestock auction." This is an auction where they sell off the animals, who are then slaughtered, cooked and eaten.
This is not a secret. Everyone knows this is what happens to the animals in this auction. They knew it was the fate that awaited Cedar.
Then the family got cold feet. They wanted Cedar back. I get it. Heck, people have regrets. The same thing happened in Minority Report, sort of. But Cedar had already been entered into the auction and couldn't be withdrawn. He was eventually sold to Sen. Brian Dahle for nearly $1,000. (Not a bad take for a goat, honestly.)
So Mrs. Long decided to take matters into her own hands:
That night, the last day of the fair, as Long's daughter was saying goodbye to Cedar, Long decided to act.
"It was heartbreaking...," Long wrote in a June 27 email to the Shasta District Fair. "The barn was mostly empty and at the last minute I decided to break the rules and take the goat that night and deal with the consequences later," her email read.
"Take the goat that night and deal with the consequences later." We've all been there. Sometimes you just gotta grab the goat.
The family offered to pay the fair for its troubles. Even Rep. Dahle was willing to let the whole thing go. But the fair was not having it. They wanted Cedar back. They would brook no compromises at all. As one county official told Long in an email:
Making an exception for you will only teach out youth that they do not have to abide by the rules that are set up for all participants.
You can't argue with that kind of heartless bureaucracy.
Officials started threatening Long with law enforcement. They were true to their word. The Shasta County Sheriff's Department got involved. They got a warrant. Then they went and got the goat back.
Wait, no, actually, they went to the wrong place first:
The search warrant targeted the Bleating Hearts Farm and Sanctuary, a non-profit rescue group in Napa, and included the detailed description of the property and the goat. ...
Public records do not describe what happened once they arrived at Bleating Hearts, and the operators of the sanctuary did not respond to a request for comment.
But the lawsuit filed by Long says the goat was never at Bleating Hearts.
We've all made that mistake one time or another. You roll up to a farm looking for a goat and it's just not there.
They eventually tracked the kidnapped ungulate to a farm in Sonoma County. Cedar had been given a job there "clear[ing] land for fire prevention." He was set up in business. He had a life. He was stable. Things were good. But the deputies swooped in on him nonetheless and took him away to his fate:
From there, the goat was delivered to unnamed individuals at the fair "for slaughter/destruction" even though the warrant required them to hold the goat for a court hearing to determine its lawful owner, the lawsuit says.
Apparently there was a "community barbecue" and... well...
Let's all take a moment here for Cedar.
To be sure, it hasn't been 100% confirmed that Cedar has been barbecued and bolted. But honestly, what do you think they're going to do after all that trouble? Let him just hang out eating oats on the county's dime?
Long's lawsuit, meanwhile, is demanding "actual, general and punitive damages." Let's hope she prevails.
